I love my son, he is beautiful. He is excellent company and charming and funny. He is everything I love about me and my husband rolled into one, precious, much lovelier parcel. He is my world.

He is poorly, nothing serious, he’s 2 and there’s a plague of Croup going round nursery, he’s got a nasty, barking cough but he’s fine in himself and bouncing round the place, full of beans and twice as messy.

Normally this wouldn’t be a problem. Normally I’d handle it, distract him, cuddle him, play with him but I’m selfish. I’m going through a period of anxiety and I’m bound up in myself, in my head, I can’t shake the feeling of doom and panic. The loss of control and the fear of spiralling, spiralling like I did a few weeks ago.

So as he bounced off the sofa, tipping toys everywhere, I sat cold, unfeeling, lost in my head and the dark, confidence ripping thoughts negatively running on a loop through my mind. Selfish. Selfish bloody woman.

He turned to me and saw the tears streaming down my numb face. He gazed for a moment and my heart broke as he said “What’s up Mamma?”. He climbed onto my knee and cuddled me, held me tight, my poorly baby comforting me. Selfish. Selfish bloody woman.

“What’s up Mamma?” His face full of concern.

I replied “Mamma doesn’t love herself as much as she loves you.”

There you have it, a lifetime of therapy and an endless prescription couldn’t have fathomed it out any quicker than a toddler with a cough.

I hate myself, my actions, my lack of control, my need for validation from other people. I hate the way I look, the way I sound, how I think, the things that I think. That I’m weak, that others take advantage of that. I hate that I’m like this, I hate that I’m in the grip of it. Because when I’m not I’m a great person, loving, funny, caring, wise. I wish I knew how to stop it, I wish I knew how to love myself. I wish I knew how to stop being a selfish, selfish bloody woman.


17 responses to “Selfish

  1. This made me cry and I hate that you’re feeling this way. What you said about yourself when you’re not in the grip of it all… that’s what we see all the time. You don’t have to explain yourself but if it helps writing it down then there will always be people reading what you write. You are not selfish. You are worrying about being in a bad place but you are not selfish. You care and people care about you. I’ve been a bit rubbish this week but guess whose message at 1 o clock in the morning the other night helped me get some focus… 😉 My troubles were nothing but you still took the time to give me some faith in myself as a mum. Big hugs dude – I could go on forever but this is your blog and not mine!! Xxxx

    • hodgepodgedays

      Thanks chick. It’s hard to focus on the positive when things start to spiral. I have a wonderful son, family and friends. I must focus more on that rather than the white noise of hatred inside my head. Xxx

  2. fatima ariadne

    Aww what a sweet little angel your son is. But you’re not selfish when you want to reserve this little space of your own. You deserve to love, give, nurture yourself just like you do to others. ‘When your love doesnt encircle yourself in it, it will still incomplete’ (Buddha). xoxo

  3. expressionconfession

    Let me know if anyone says “pull yourself together”, and I’ll come round and punch them in the face for you 🙂 xxx

  4. I feel what you felt, I know what you mean, I can hear your little boy, I look through this window and see an empty street where rain never stops… You are a bloody good writer!!!
    …And I’m really sorry, that you are feeling low. Look after yourself.

    • hodgepodgedays

      Wow what an amazing compliment, thank you so much Zoe, it means more than you’ll ever know. Thank you 🙂

  5. I’m no good at saying the right thing to people who feel like this, but i will say that I think you’re a lovely lovely caring thoughtful person, who comes across as eternally positive despite having had a bobbins time recently with your back problems. Hope you get through the dark time soon and can see what your husband, son and friends see which is a lovely and genuine lady who seems the total opposite of selfish to me. Hugs xxxxxxx

    • hodgepodgedays

      Thanks Amanda, it’s really lovely of you to say. It captured a dark moment on a dark day which has been part of a series of dark days and weeks. I’ve got great support around me and I know I’ll find my way back to being me eventually xx

  6. Thank you for sharing this. It must of been so difficult to share. I think you find a lot of people have these horrible dark days but you should be proud of yourself for talking about them. I hope you can work through it and know that it isn’t your fault and it’s nothing you’ve done it’s something that quite often you just can’t control. I’m sure once the horrible fog lifts you will be able to see the good things in you.
    I have CFS and have problems with depression from it. I’ve learnt to take each little step at a time. I try and find one good thing about me each day. Once I can manage that I increase it. The other thing you could try is getting someone else to tell you one good thing about you each day. It can take a long time but even something as little as that can make a chink in the darkness.
    I was lucky and found crocheting. It’s my thing. If all else fails I pick something up to make and when I finish it I feel fantastic.
    You are a good mum! You were feeling some horrible feelings yet you were still aware and you were still making sure he is safe. Your son is a testimony to how wonderful a mother you are.
    I hope things get better!

    • hodgepodgedays

      Thank you so much for your comment and for the advice. I’m working on getting a bit more focus in my life and my self esteem needs a good bump up which I’m working on too. It’s hard, I have good days and bad. That was a bad one today is a good one. Tomorrow who knows. Thank you for being lovely 🙂

  7. It may not be the answer for everyone, you included, but I got myself out of a long depression, which you supported me through, by doctors, research and taking control of my own needs and my life.

    My mom once told me that a problem is like a pebble. Hold it too close, and it becomes all you see.

    If you’re not already on medication, I’d like to say that it does help. It helps you put the pebble back down on the ground, amongst any other pebbles, see it for what it is, and stop it from blocking your view of everything else.

    You’re a strong woman and always have been. It’s okay to be a little broken – we all are. xx

    • Mon, thank you so much for your lovely comment, you have always been a brilliant friend through thick and thin. Wise, funny and wonderful. You are an inspiration xx

  8. Hayley Gradwell

    I once was in a similar place… I read a book called Shoot The Damn Dog. by Sally Brampton. Really put things into perspective. It could help? I hope so x

  9. Shay: TwoTinyTerrors (@shay_noble)

    You are not selfish. I know it’s hard to take in and believe but it really is the illness telling you that, you’re not selfish at all. You are trying the best by your Son and that is all you can do – he sounds like a lovely, happy little man (even with a cough).

    Thank you for sharing this. Not enough people talk up about mental health and your post is honest and wonderful. I hope you can find some support from somewhere, be it medication, talking therapy or otherwise; it really does help xx

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