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I’ve been stupid. This is nothing new for me I admit, but this time I’ve really messed up. I’ve got issues like anyone and sometimes, just sometimes I lean on friends too hard. They’re not trained professionals. They don’t know how to cope with me, my moods, my anxieties, my weirdness. I say and do things that are sometimes just wrong or hurtful or inappropriate. I don’t mean to.

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*Some* of my meds

I seem to have got myself into fortnightly cycles of downers, I’m fine for 13 days and then, boom, my mood goes through the floor and I act up, act down, act weird, do stupid things, say stupid things. This is really not cool. This is really not me. This is really not how I want to be.

As I write this I’m crying. On the verge of losing another friend over this. I’ve got to take ownership and control of my moods, my life. This just cannot continue.

I need a strategy. Previously my strategy was to drink massively and to excess, it was my first thought this morning but I’ve not touched a drop. That’s progress. My second thought was self harm, I’ve not cut or burnt today. Progress. I am getting somewhere. I need a non-destructive way to deal with stuff. Until I find that I’m stuck with dark, harmful thoughts in my head but not wanting to fall back on my old ways of dealing with them.

So, to friends old and new, friends I’ve lost and are losing. I’m sorry. I won’t use my mental health as an excuse for poor behaviour. Pull me up on it, challenge me, don’t let it float by. But love me and hold me when I need to be loved and held. It’s a scary old rollercoaster in my head right now. I know I am getting better but it won’t happen overnight. Bear with me, please, and I’m sorry. I really am.

2 responses to “Stupid

  1. Sorry to hear you are feeling so shitty. It makes things easier sometimes if you can catch yourself and pause when you are acting very emotional and ask yourself “Is this proportionate to the reality of the situation or is this one of THOSE times again?” Wether you can figure out the answer or not, sometimes just pausing mid flood of emotion can help. When the cigsand the sex and the booze are all gone, sometimes I find having a really indulgnt cry or taking a big lung full of air going “Aaaaagh!” into a pillow or scribbling down my feelingsas they pore out on scrap paper (which will get binned after) really helps but only allowing myself to do this for 15 mins then I force myself to pull my shit together. Not pretend happy, just calmer. Massive power hugs help – the kind where you get to squeeze your frustration out into someone. Not attempting to quick fix you. Just saying what helps me.

    • Thanks Chrissie, sounds like you’ve found strategies that work for you. I’m up and down at the moment but I’m trying to find healthier things to do than smoke and go to the pub, though I’ll never stop going to the pub 🙂 xxx

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