40 – My 40th Birthday

Today is my 40th birthday and I feel weird. Lots of my friends have turned 40 this year, most have been dragged kicking and screaming into their fourth decade. I feel like it’s just crept up on me. I’ve been too busy dealing with everything which has happened to us this year that my 40th birthday has been the very furthest thing from my mind.

I woke up this morning and I was 40. In all honesty I feel no different to how I did yesterday. It’s just a number. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than numbers.

Right now I feel like I am overflowing with emotions. I miss my dad more than I have words to say, my boy is starting school today and I’m all emotional about that, he’s having an operation soon, I’m emotional about that too. I’m touched that I have great friends who spent some of their weekend with me partying the last days of my 30’s away.

I am conflicted and anxious about a million different things. But in the weeks since my dad’s death and through the summer holidays, I have been reminded of the two most important people in my life, Matthew and Ben. This weekend has shown me all the people who care about me, friends old and new, from near and far. I am very lucky.

I guess (and I know I’m rambling) that I’m struggling to give a meh about anything. I feel numb inside, I’m overwhelmed by life and the only way I can keep putting one foot in front of the other is to focus on Ben. I feel like in some situations I’m faking emotions and joyous reactions to pretend to the world that everything is fine and normal. I am faking it until I make it. I wonder how many people do that just to get through?

I’m fine and I will be fine. I’m just going through two things almost everyone in the world faces at some point or another, turning 40 and losing a parent. I would turn 40 a thousand times just to have an hour with my dad. 

Today I’m going to try and be in the here and now. I’m going to focus on Ben and Matthew and the special people in my life who love me and care for me. I’m going to smile for the camera, take a walk in the park, blow out the candles on my birthday cake and raise a glass to my dad, and to my Grandma who would have been 103 today.

I don’t fear 40, it’s just a number. I fear life and what it will challenge me with next.

40th Birthday

16 responses to “40 – My 40th Birthday

  1. Happy Birthday Jane! I turned 40 last year – remember age is just a number and enjoy acting as young as you feel!

  2. My 40’s started with a pretty shitty shopping trip to buy bras – which turned out to be my 40th birthday present. One I’ll truly remember forever. It was clearly a portent of the shit which was to follow.
    For me what my 40’s have given me though, is the start of wisdom. I have a different eye on everything and I am not the person I was 5 years ago. It’s different to learning or just knowing, and it can’t be taught. It makes you calmer and less concerned with that which doesn’t matter. When all my crap has finished bouncing off the fan, maybe my day-to-day will see me rest easier in my rocking chair.
    Keep focussing on that kid – he’s a star. They’re why we’re here, and you are doing an awesome job. Happy birthday, I hope that it brings you love, strength and a million gazillion smiles xx

    • Thanks Jenny. I loved my 30s, I felt like a much more confident, wiser version of me. I reckon my 40s will be an extension of that. But thankfully thus far I’ve avoided the bra shopping horrors. You are a wise and wonderful person Jenny, if I can be half as wise and wonderful as you I’ll be happy xx

  3. Keep going Jane. You are one of the acest people I know and you’ll come out the other side of this I know.
    Happy Birthday love xxxx

  4. Sending love and hugs….It sounds such an emotional time for you. I hope your boy has a great day at school.
    Happy Birthday x

  5. Happy 40th Birthday! a landmark age and I think a number of us find it emotional, and you’ve had/ got a lot on your plate this year. Hope that you have a great day and having weathered the 40’s for a few years, I can only assure you it’s not too bad! K (Pipity) x

  6. Happy 40th Birthday! I hope you’re having a lovely day with the ones you love and who love you. Your Dad and Grandma will be smiling down I’m sure xxx
    Also happy going back to school day for your boy xx

  7. I’m well over 40 and don’t feel any different to when I was 25! The only thing that happens is that you get older and wiser, and slower of course. Nothing much else changes! Happy Birthday!

  8. Aw sweetie sending lots of hugs to you, and I hope you managed to have a wonderful day with the people who matter. Whilst I loved turning 40, we were also going through some shit at the time. But I look back now and remember the good times of being 40. Hugs xx

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