Grieving…. four months on

So *takes deep breath*, it’s been a while since we talked about how I’m getting on. It’s been a helluva year and not the good kind. Since my Dad died in June, apart from the initial outpouring of grief blog posts I wrote, I’ve tucked my feelings and thoughts away and tried to focus on just getting through my to do list instead of grieving.

I’ve tried to grieve privately and come to terms with everything in my own way. People we love die all the time, who am I to gnash and wail and to hog the grieving limelight? But people, kind people do ask and I say I’m doing ok. I’m not really, I’m doing as ok as I can do under the circumstances.

I’ve lost the first man I ever loved. I’ve lost one of my best friends and I don’t think I will ever get over it. The initial shock has gone, only to be replaced by the weird constant reminder that he’s not around. I saw some books yesterday he would love for Christmas. I didn’t buy them. I baked a cake I couldn’t share with him. I see things on TV I remind myself to tell him about, then remind myself that I can’t. I constantly think of going shopping with him. I loved going shopping with him, he hated shopping as much as I do and it was always a bit like supermarket sweep, something which amused us greatly. 

I cry a lot, every day. I cry privately and stick a smile on my face when I go out. If I can’t do that I throw on a pair of sunglasses and act like I’m too busy to hang around chatting. I went to the dentists the other week and lay in the chair, tears rolling silently down my cheeks because I was reminded of my Dad. The dentist probably thought I was being a wimp over my filling. Let him think that.

The small boy talks about him a lot. We don’t discourage it because I want him to hold the memory of him close. But kids are so blunt. “Grandad is dead isn’t he?” There’s no “passed on to the other side” euphemisms there. Sometimes I prefer the bluntness, he was never one for sugar-coating things when he was alive, so why dust his death with icing sugar?

So how am I doing? Not great, but as well as I can do under the circumstances. Thank you for asking x

Grieving

8 responses to “Grieving…. four months on

  1. allison sullivan

    hi flower wow the time has gone over since the last time we spoke and i expect it is just as raw .hope you are ok.ive been thinking about you and reading this post is so sad but shows just how much it hurts .if u ever need to talk huni send me a message.its been almost 2 year since someone passed for me and its as raw today as it was then,gentle hugs coming your way xxx love allison.

  2. I’m conscious of not asking I guess, ,because I don’t want to constantly remind you. Silly really. I hope you know I’ m always here if you need someone to talk to and that us Gabbers think the world of you xxx

  3. Sending love and hugs! Thinking of you xxxx

  4. Thank you for telling. I’m crap at asking. I don’t know what the answer will be and when I’m not there to give a hug, I can’t say things I’ve heard so many times without hearing my own friends say them. You included. But I mean them all.
    You do seem to be doing well, and I totally agree that bluntness can be incredibly releasing. Fannying about with huge sentences full of ermmmm is sometimes harder, because it elongates the agony. Tasking does help, even if we are obliged to by our youngsters- God bless em, they have no idea how important a role Thry can play.
    I’m really sorry you’ve lost him, but I know he’ll be so proud of how you are coping. Love you missus xxx

  5. Sending lots of love brave lady xxxx

  6. I think you’re right. I don’t think you can ever fully be ok again not after losing someone who means so much. I prefer the bluntness sometimes too to be honest,children are good at that! I hope everything becomes easier with time and you heal a little more. X

  7. Ah hun sending you a big hug. I don’t have any words as I have never experienced the loss of a parent, but you are a brave lady for posting xx

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