The night before my life began again

I wrote this in February and didn’t do anything with it. It was never meant to be a blog post, but I want to share it now, because it seems important that I do somehow.

It’s 11pm on 1st February 2014. I’ve just been standing outside in the dark looking at the stars, watching as the clouds are rushed through the black sky by the wind. I thought of all the skies I’ve seen in the past year. Vivid, beautiful and haunting in their own way. And I cried.

This time last year I’d packed my hospital bag, written letters to my nearest and dearest and said goodbye to my son. The next day I was going in hospital for an operation to fix my spine, stop my pain and give me the ability to walk again. I was prepared to come out either a very different person, or a very dead person. Either way I thought I was prepared. I still cried. I was still frightened but I was ready.

Standing outside tonight I reflected on all that has happened since this night last year. Another operation, pain, infection, depression, rehab, friends loved and lost. And I grieve. I grieve for what has passed. I grieve for the person I was who is now gone, I have a faint memory of her, but I like the person I am now, still flawed, still a bit broken, but I’m a new version of me. Jane.2 if you will.

There’ve been a lot of positives in the past year, but the pain, the physical I can cope with, the emotional less so. The 12 months of turmoil have wrung me out, left me struggling against the tide too many times. I’m broken but I’ve survived. I will continue to survive. What other choice is there? I looked at the sky and I cried, I broke down and cried.

Maybe it is a grieving process, maybe the first year is the hardest. But the sky will change in beautiful ways, clouds race, time moves on, the stars will always shine and I will heal. I will heal.

 

16 Responses to The night before my life began again

  1. Thank you for posting this. You are so strong and will continue to survive and heal because of this.

  2. Very poignant post, thank you for sharing it. Beautifully written x

  3. Thank you for sharing this, you are an amazing women, you will more than survive.

  4. You’ve been through so much and you are so incredibly strong. Love you mrs x

  5. Wow it really sounds like you have been through a lot I don’t know the full details but I can tell you are so strong. I hope that it did what it was supposed to and changed your life for the better pain free! Thank you ever so much for linking up such a moving post. You definitely should share… it’s a great post. #sharewithme

  6. That is such a simple but very poignant post – I hope that next year brings more joy and happiness xxx

  7. Its a nice post and you are right to share it. I can feel the weight of the words. You will heal… it will take time but you will. I Should tell that to myself too.

    Time heals.

    #sharewithme

  8. It sounds like a pretty intense time for you and I’m glad you shared it. I hope it helped.
    x x

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