Birdhouse In Your Soul – PTSD and me

So we’ve figured out I’m a moody unfeminine weirdo with a penchant for angry, shouty rock music and I’ve been going through a dark patch. Well I thought it was time for a quick pre-holiday, enforced time away from blog update. I promise when I get back from hols the recipes and kiddie stuff will recommence.

I’m a very lovely person, I’m helpful and kind and friendly. My friends say I’m funny and sweet and I’ve got the dirtiest laugh in Manchester (fact), but my kindness makes me vulnerable which is a terrible thing.

Being nice has gotten me into heaps of trouble and scrapes in the past. Despite not being much of a looker I have managed to acquire a couple of stalkers. One of which terrifyingly used to follow me home and stand, staring outside my window for hours. In the end a couple of burly mates warned him off but he’d still loiter outside my office at work trying to see me. Creepy.

The scariest incident was dealing with an incredibly vulnerable man at work. I was calm, professional and lovely towards him. Never crossing boundaries just being helpful and sympathetic. He locked me in a room and sexually assaulted me. My screams alerted security and they kicked the door down before things got out of hand, but still the damage was done and eventually two years later I was diagnosed with PTSD.

In reality nobody died, things could’ve been a lot worse but still, my kindness is a weakness which gets taken advantage of. It’s hard because I like being kind. I like being the person people come to with their troubles and we bandy them about over a brew. I don’t want to harden my heart but I’m not sure how much my own vulnerable little heart can take.

It’s been stepped on recently and as much as I wish my friend (who did the stepping) all the love and luck in the world fixing their vulnerable, broken little heart, I kind of wish they’d thought of mine too. But mental illness makes lovely people selfish and hurtful. I just hope they find peace and when they do return to help me find my peace.

5 responses to “Birdhouse In Your Soul – PTSD and me

  1. I am absolutely in awe of how much courage and strength it must have taken to write this post. I won’t patronise you by pretending to know how you feel but I am absolutely devastated that you have been through something so horrific. You are a lovely person who makes me laugh a lot. You are a terrific mother & little Splodge is so lucky to have you – every single thing I’ve ever read or heard you say about parenting makes perfect sense to me which is inspiring. Slightly less important but the Mighty Giants reference has actually made me smile as its one of my all time favourites. I’m just so angry that you are able to identify with the lyrics xxxx

    • hodgepodgedays

      Thank you. I am humbled by your incredibly generous comment. Just goes to show you never know what hides behind the smile of someone you think you know pretty well and those that hurt often hide it really well.
      I don’t feel very brave. I feel very stupid and weak but I’m in a low and I know I’ll come out of it and be fine. Thank you chicken, will catch up when I’m back. Thanks, as ever for being lovely xx

  2. expressionconfession

    You’re an inspiration, Hodge. Your many loving friends are testament to that. Yes there are always those that step on us for their own selfish reasons but you know what?! Sod ’em! We don’t need them. It was so brave of you to write about your experience – it sounds horrendous what happened and you’ve clearly coped very, very well even if you think you haven’t. Xx
    PS. Re. Mental illness point- yes it makes people behave irrationally, but in my experience I do think (perhaps controversially) that some people hide behind mental illness as an excuse for their (unreasonable) actions. We shall discuss further when we next meet! xx

    • hodgepodgedays

      I imagine you we’re looking at me over half-rimmed glasses when you wrote that. Thank you for your lovely words. Hopefully I’ll get my head straight on holiday and be calmer when I get back. Thank you for being lovely xx

  3. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Such an awful thing to happen. I’m so angry reading it, how dare anyone ever make you feel so scared, so helpless, so physically and emotionally abused?? I hope he rots in hell for what he putyou through. Thank you for sharing with me, uunfortunately we’re not alnoe in having to deal with this trauma, sad thay so many women suffer this kind of abuse. I hope one day you find the closure that you need xxx

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