I’ve had a pretty crappy weekend and I’m going to have a moan. This is my blog, my tiny corner of the internet and I’m going to go all self indulgent for ten minutes, shake my fist at the sky and shout “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?”
On Friday my boy, my beautiful boy in his first ever school assembly stood up and spoke, a year ago he probably wouldn’t have even stood up, but he did and he spoke in front of the whole school. I was so proud of him, so incredibly proud of him that afterwards I rushed up to him, scooped him up in my arms and span him round in an enormous loving cuddle.
I did it without thinking about my stupid back. Within half an hour I had started to go numb below the waist and by evening I was in pain. In my impetuous moment of adoration and pride for the boy I forgot that I shouldn’t lift and I think I’ve squished a nerve. I’ve been flat on my back and off my face on painkillers ever since. I am gutted. I’m hoping that rest and time will reduce the symptoms.
I’m feeling very sorry for myself.
On Sunday I was checking my email, still flat on my back in bed when the wifi flickered off. I panicked slightly, as one does when faced with the horror of no wifi, then I discovered we had no electricity. Next door who are having huge amounts of (noisy, messy and disruptive) building work done had managed to damage the cable which supplies our mains electricity. I lay there and mentally counted all the things we wouldn’t be able to do until it was fixed, like wash, put the lights on, cook food, make a hot drink.
Stoically I lumbered out of bed, took as many painkillers as I could get away with and took the small boy out of the way of the repair team for a few hours. We were 14 hours without power. I was not best pleased, though the small boy had fish and chips for his tea, which made his day.
Exhausted, in pain and full of anxiety I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep and dosed myself up. I felt angry, really angry but I wasn’t sure why. Nothing ever seems simple, nothing ever seems straightforward. I stick a brave face on everything, the chronic pain, the exhaustion, the side effects of my medication, my (I’m told) imagined failings as a parent, money troubles, everything.
Everything seemed to overwhelm me. So today I took a step back in terms of wellness. Today I fell back into old coping strategies. I’m not proud of it, but it happened and I’m going to try and move on and find calm again. I’m sorry for the trouble I cause, and the worry. I’m sorry.