This is how it feels to be lonely

Here’s a thing. I’m lonely. I’m very, very lonely. I live in a busy house full of busy people and I’m busy helping people put shoes on, wiping noses, cooking tea, washing school uniforms, walking the dog. It’s endless and endlessly repetitive. A thought keeps creeping into my head and I keep pushing it back so I can’t acknowledge it. But I’m lonely. I’m so very lonely.

Back in the day I had a busy job and work colleagues, legions of friends to go out with and an active social life. Now my life is lived for the most part online. It is wasn’t for the constant chatter about the practicalities of living, finding shoes, being late for school, what’s for tea and me telling the dog what a good girl she is, I’m sure I’d not speak to anyone about anything. I’m really very lonely.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night listening to the quiet creaking of the house and the gentle snoring of the boys in their rooms. I turn over and hug myself to sleep. Sometimes I lie on my arm until it’s numb and I hold hands with myself, just to feel the comfort of human touch. I’m so bloody lonely.

I miss banter, I miss laughing with other people, I miss making people laugh. I miss talking about last nights TV and I miss people needing me and wanting me. I am superfluous. If I vanished I’m sure people would only eventually notice because I stopped tweeting, or the dog needed walking and no one had done it. Or that tea wasn’t on the table.

This sounds so self pitying, but I feel so alone. I feel so lonely. I can’t see a time in the future when I won’t feel like this, if anything it will get worse and I’ll feel more alone and lonely every year. And I don’t know what to do to fix that, other to keep lying on my arm so someone will hold my hand while I fall asleep at night.

Goodnight xx

This is how it feels to be lonely

15 responses to “This is how it feels to be lonely

  1. I don’t know what responses to thoughts like these are ones you connect with, and which feel hollow to you, so apologies if I repeat something you’ve heard a thousand times, and please don’t feel obligated to respond to this comment if you don’t feel like it.

    The only thing that I’ve ever found helps is to try to think how quickly life can change for the better, as well as for the worse. It’s not only loss and bad news that can come into our lives in a flash. Whether you have plans for things to do that might alter how you feel or not, feeling this bad now won’t worsen your prospects down the line, provided you keep yourself going.

    Regardless, I wish you all the best and many great times ahead.

  2. Also, fwiw, this is beautifully written. Emotionally raw and matter-of-fact. I hope posting it helped. x

  3. Thank you for being so honest. I can relate to this completely – as here I am ay 04.46am watching news 24 with a cup of coffee after not being able to sleep since waking at 3am! And this is where I am every morning.

    We just have to keep plodding on though as we have people who will miss us if we were not. That is all I think to keep me going…. night night.

  4. Your post could be something i had written myself! Although i knew it wasn’t as i think my loneliness has even stopped me writing/commenting online as i feel no one would care what i write or be interested in what i say! I had to reply though to say… I hear you and i (think) i know how you feel. I have my beautiful family around me and keep reminding myself how lucky i am, i try to forget that beyond them there is absolutely no one. I really hope you find someone you can talk to, it may help xx

  5. I know exactly how you feel-being surrounded by people doesn’t prevent you from feeling alone-I too feel surplus to requirements most of the time. And I know that sometimes you need a hand to hold. Have mine x

  6. Oh Jane. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel but I do feel the same way a lot of the time. Just incredibly isolated. Most days, apart from Ian and the kids, the only people who I speak to are the school run mums and my Mother in Law. All lovely but none of them are substitutes for a really good chat with friends, in person. My days at home with the kids are so long sometimes and only broken by chatting to online friends, like you, which helps but, again, it just isn’t the same as being able to see the smiles, give hugs etc. Please know that I’m always here with an ear. Love you xx

  7. It’s easier to be alone in a room full of people than it is by yourself. When I go to events I leave for a fag more frequently as the day goes on because I need to escape. The fresh air and 5 minutes to be at peace are far more important than the nicotine. It’s not that I want to go by myself, but I need a smaller group and focus. I’m getting better at staying, I really am. And I’m spotting the hands holding mine even if they don’t touch me. Don’t lose sight of those hands, feel them holding you up because they are legion, and they’ll all be yours to hold whenever you need them. xx

  8. Oh Jane. I love you making me laugh. And I hate that it’s only in person a couple of times a year. Literally last night as I was looking at your cake picture on instagram I was planning how I could come and see you and eat cake with you. And then you wrote this and I wish I’d said it to you last night. So . . . I’m saying it now. When can I come and eat cake with you? x x x

  9. Oh Jane. I love the bones of you. You make me laugh all the time, both online and in person, and I certainly would notice if you disappeared. I’m so sorry you feel lonely. We ought to make more of an effort to get together more often. I can do lunch most days x

  10. Ah it’s horrid being lonely. I like my own company a lot, but I have been through times when I have felt very alone. It’s not good. I took redundancy a couple of years ago and am now at home all the time and sometimes it’s just the monotony which contributes to the lonely feeling.

    I thought this was such a well-written post and it took guts to put it out there. Even though we’ve never met, I am always up for a slice of your Bundt cake xxx

  11. It won’t be like this forever – honestly. Life is a series of phases and this one will pass. Sending you a big hug.

  12. It’s so good to know I am not alone in feeling like this. On NYE me and my children went to bed at 10pm, at midnight I was woken by fireworks and the dog barking, and as I gazed out of the window at the fireworks, tears just streamed down my face, because I just felt so alone! 🙁

  13. When you walk your dog is there somewhere locally where others walk theirs? It’s the way I have made other human contact. I went at different points in the day and soon found if I went straight after dropping my son off at school I could meet up with some really nice people. It now means I get to have a chat whilst walking the dog they have become great friends. Are their any craft clubs in your area or have you thought of volunteering at your local school to help young kids to read. It’s a great way to meet others. I really hope you find something and/or someone to make you feel less lonely. If you ever want to chat you can always contact me. I am sure you will be surprised just how much you would be missed. People forget to tell people and its only when they aren’t there that they want to tell them.

  14. Jane, I so hope you are feeling better. Am here if you need to have a chat. Any time xxx

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