Today by the Smashing Pumpkins is one of my favourite songs (YouTube it, go on) but the song is not about the greatest day ever, it’s about suicide.
I’ve had a run of good days, still with raging insomnia, but a few good, calm-ish days. I’d been feeling ok about myself and my life. Starting to think I was maybe getting on an even keel at last. I was very wrong.
I woke up this morning crazy agitated, really twitchy and in a panic. I don’t know why. A few days ago, even though I was in my happy place I felt an uncontrollable urge to walk out in front of a car. I didn’t obviously but the thought was there.
Last night I cut myself again, I’ve not done that for a good month. It felt good, it stopped the noise in my head telling me that I’m a hateful human being. That I’m ugly and worthless. It stopped, briefly. Then I just felt bad for being weak and cutting again.
This morning I’m thinking dark thoughts, shameful thoughts. Thoughts about harming myself. I’ve got enough pills to do it, to end it, to stop the pain, to stop the noise once and for all. I wont do it. I can’t do it. But I want to. I really want to. So I will cut and bleed instead. I will scratch at my hateful skin until it’s raw.
How long can this pain last? How long till I can be happy? How long can I be like this. How long? How long.