I will write hard and clear about what hurts

Sometimes I sit at this laptop and write words, sentences, paragraphs, essays about my pain. My physical pain less so, but my emotional, mental pain is often eased by writing those words down so that someone, anyone will read them and hear me and understand my pain and suffering.

I feel very selfish writing that about MY pain and MY suffering, but my mental health makes me selfish in that respect. I am in almost every other aspect of my life selfless, but my illness makes me selfish for wanting to be heard.

When I write about MY pain I am writing MY story. Everyone has a story, ten people trapped in a room together will share a story, commonalities, but their individual accounts will differ. It doesn’t mean that the other nine people are wrong and I am right. This is MY truth. Their version is their truth and I’m fine with that.

When I sit at my laptop, sometimes choking on my tears, or chewing my lip raw with anxiety, I tell my story, I spew out my pain, my shame, my demons onto the screen knowing that someone somewhere will relate and they will often reach out, and together, even for a few minutes we know we are not alone feeling these feelings and thinking those thoughts.

I have no doubt that since writing this blog nearly two years ago I have scared some old friends off, I’m too candid for them or they are scared of my darkness. Equally I know for a fact that I have made far more friends for being open and being me than I have lost.

Sometimes what I write can be raw and emotional, or too near the knuckle for some, but that’s how it is inside me, in fact some of my writing only hints at the darkness inside because I am mindful of who may read this now and in the future and that my words are a record, but a record of MY truth alone.

I will continue to write as Hemmingway suggested, I will “write hard and clear about what hurts” because I will not be ashamed of what I feel, I will not hide away in the shadows because my mental illness is somehow shameful to others. I speak for me and I will not be forced to be ashamed of myself. I have enough demons of my own to slay without being stigmatised by others.

Do not start with me, you will not win.

write hard and clear about what hurts

18 responses to “I will write hard and clear about what hurts

  1. I love you. I’m proud of you. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s important and so are you.

    Big love xxx

    • Thank you Daisy. I know I lean on you a lot, but I massively appreciate you and your friendship. I’m gonna keep on keeping on and people who try and stop me will just make me more determined xxx

  2. …and so you should keep writing. Good for you xxx

  3. I understand and I symhasize because I feel the same xxx

    • Thank you for commenting Tracy. I’m really sorry you feel that way too. No one has any right at all to ask you to conform to their standards. Keep being true to you and good luck x

  4. your story is your truth and no one has the right to try to say that you cant tell it x

  5. rachelreallife

    Great post lovely. You are so right, we can only write our truth and our experience and it doesn’t make anyone else’s less valid. xx

    • Thanks for you comment Rachel, my truth is as valid as anyone’s and I will not stop talking about this because I really believe it’s important to talk about mental health and not to hide it away like it is shameful x

  6. You say what you feel. This is YOUR blog. Keep on lovely xxx

  7. Blogging can save lives. Writing about what hurts is valuable and courageous. You are valuable and courageous.

  8. Good for you! If more people talked about it then maybe more people would respect mental health and more people would ask for help. I love the fact you write about it truthfully. I just hope it helps you because that is what is important.

    • Thanks Susan.i always get really good comments from people who feel the same as me. I don’t speak for anyone but me but if other people relate and feel stronger or more able to speak out because of me then that makes me feel so proud x

  9. Powerful and moving. Thanks for sharing it. wish I could help relieve the pain

  10. I don’t think that it is selfish to share your story and the pain that you can feel. I think that it is generous. Someone else who may be feeling a similar pain or story to you can draw comfort that they are not alone and that others feel the same. The truth sets us free and allows us to discover places and people we never thought we could x

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