Having a blog is a bit like having a dog. You need to feed it regularly, take it out on walks and give it some love on a regular basis. If I forget to do any of those things with my dog, she usually finds a way to remind me. My blog generally doesn’t do that, it sits there looking a bit mournful and neglected and every so often I look up from my fug and feel a bit bad about it all.
My two week break from blogging in April has somehow turned into a summer of more of less not doing very much and now here we are, it’s October and it’s still looking as empty and unloved as the salad compartment of my fridge.
The truth is, I don’t trust myself to write at the moment. For many months I’ve been struggling with the contents of my head. At times I am almost paralysed with anxiety and it’s all I can do to get up and pretend to function within the four walls of my house, let alone type words about my feelings and what’s going on and sharing them with the outside world. Sometimes just thinking and acknowledging those thoughts to myself is about as overwhelming as it gets.
I am overwhelmed. My to do list of life admin is enormous and getting longer each day, each week. I focus on small goals, things I can achieve. It feels like I’m going nowhere and doing nothing each week, but then I step back and look at all the things I’ve done and achieved in that time and sometimes it’s actually quite impressive.
So I carry on, keeping my head down, ploughing through the life admin and ignoring my blog. I started writing this blog in June 2013, it began as a way for me to write down my feelings and work through some of the inner torment I was experiencing at the time. Slowly it turned into a business and the way I earned a living and supported my family, it became less about the contents of my head and more about things, which is fine. Every so often I’d write an update, a personal post. This is one of them I guess.
This is me saying I’m sorry for not being who I was. I’m sorry for not working harder and writing more and doing the crafts, and the recipes and the fun days out stuff. I’m overwhelmed and it’s really hard for me to admit that. We are not meant to be overwhelmed, we are meant to just be able to just cope with everything aren’t we?
I’ve never lived that Instagram perfect life and I wouldn’t want to. I enjoy being flawed because that’s who I am and that’s why my friends love me, because my house is a bit chaotic and because I’m real. It does mean that for now at least I’m a bad blogger. I’m just busy focusing on the big life stuff and the little life stuff and just keeping the threads of my existence together enough for me to pick my boy up from school without falling apart in front of the whole playground. Some days good, some days bad.
I don’t intend to give up my blog, I’ve got about six blog posts I’m quietly working on at the moment and I’ve probably got another 6000 in me. But for now I’m working on the sorting my life out thing and I hope you’ll still be there when I’ve done that and I’m back. I will be back, properly back, I’m just not sure when though. Take care xx
PS. Watch The Motherland on BBC2, you won’t regret it.