Last Updated on March 13, 2025 by HodgePodgeDays
Back in January I wrote a little update on why I’ve been quieter of late. I was hoping for a relatively peaceful year, but life had different plans for me.
I’ve been wrestling with the wonderful will they/wont they mystery of trying to buy a house in England. I have no idea why it’s so difficult, but it is and I’m hoping to complete that purchase in the next week or so. The house does need lots more work than I first thought, I need a new kitchen and bathroom and the whole house needs painting and new flooring throughout. No small task list there.
My big, BIG update is my Mum died on 28th February, she had been very poorly for a long time, she’d been so bloody brave through everything and ultimately had a pretty good death, if such a thing is possible. It has really knocked me for six, even if you’re expecting these things, you can’t always predict or plan for how the emotions will hit you. It’s still incredibly early days, and we’ve not even had her funeral yet, but I can say, I miss my Mum so much and I’m quite a bit heartbroken by it all.
I’m limping through my last couple of days of work before I’m taking compassionate leave, but my plan is to very much go to bed, watch sad films and cry a lot and try and release some of those big feelings I’ve been bottling up.
I am so blessed by wonderful friends and family who have all stepped up with love for me. My partner, who ordinarily lives in Birmingham, drove straight up to support me, and that’s been brilliant, but I have three days on my own from tomorrow and I plan to fall apart and rebuild myself, and then we brace ourselves for Mum’s funeral next week.
I’m firmly in that weird numb fallow period, where I don’t really know how to feel or how to process my emotions. I know almost everyone goes through this at some point too. I’ve cried a bit, but not enough, not yet. I think I’ve been holding myself together until I can step away from work for a few days and my son will be with his dad, so I can fall apart a bit and not worry about freaking him out too much with crying or whatever.
The last, I don’t know, five years have been a lot of sitting on my emotions, squashing them down and minimising them, because if I let them out, I might start howling and never stop. I sometimes feel if I let them out, they’d all explode everywhere and it would be like trying to stuff a very reluctant Jack back in its box.
When I look back at the last five years and all I’ve lived through, it seems to me a bit insane that I’m still standing and still rolling with the punches life continues to rain down on me.
There was the end of a 20 year marriage, living with my ex who disliked me, bringing up a magnificent but neurodiverse son, a new job, a different new job, and then another new job, covid bloody covid, a lockdown cancer scare for me, which was “yes I have cancer/oh no I don’t” for the best part of 18 months (which was hell), the four year long divorce process, death of my step-dad, being made redundant, Mum being poorly for two and a half years, chronic pain, perimenopause, supporting my new partner through redundancy x2, moving house, renting a flat, trying to buy another house. Anxiety, stress, and I’m pretty certain I have ADHD too.
It’s a lot. Any one of those things is considered a stressful thing, but to live through that all and squash it all in to a five year period. I need a break. I need life to stop hurling things at me for, I don’t know, six months or so, and I need to rest, mentally and physically. I’m tired.
I’m tired and I’m sad. In the weeks before my mum died, we had some pretty deep and meaningful chats. I didn’t tell her about everything that had gone on, because that would have upset her, but I needed her to know that I was doing ok and I’d be ok.
In a matter of days I will hopefully own a house again, and she was so desperate for me to have roots of my own. She knew I had good people around me to support me, through the good and the bad things. She really wanted to see my new house and to see me settled, she didn’t quite get there, but I know she’ll be with me in spirit.
I’ve been really proud of me, I’ve been doing great on my own, loving life in my flat and planning a future. I know that she was also proud of me and relieved that I was doing well. I am so sad she won’t get to be with me and share the next few months, but I’m so glad we had some time together. I’m glad we tackled a few bucket list things and I’m glad she’s at peace now.
I don’t know how to finish this. Losing a Mum is something pretty much everyone has to experience in life, it throws up a whole host of complex feelings and emotions, and I’ve barely dipped my toe into those waters yet.
Anyway, thank you for reading this far. One of the more recent feelings I’ve been having is a desire to get back into blogging more often, so when the dust settles a bit on my life, I hope to get back into writing again and sharing some lighter, brighter things with you once more.
Thanks for sticking with me, I appreciate it. Xx