Since the end of July I’ve been on Sertraline for my anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. My GP suggested I go on anti-depressants to give me time to come to terms with and deal with the causes of my issues.

Since then it’s been a bit of a journey for me. It took me almost a month for the awfulness of getting used to the meds and the scary serotonin rushes before they started to kick in. During that time my anxiety generally lessened, but the depression seemed to worsen and I frequently had suicidal thoughts. My self harming was also increasing. Though I was starting to think more deeply about why I felt the way I did.

Over the months since July I’ve come to terms with an awful lot. Accepted an awful lot and discovered an awful lot about what makes me tick and why I behave the way I do. I am a product of my environment and my environment hasn’t always been healthy.

I have been feeling better, stronger, happier recently. I’ve hardly had a suicidal thought or an episode of self harm in about a month, but the one thing that really bothers me is the lack of sleep. One of the most common side effects of Sertraline is twitching. I go to bed and immediately my legs start twitching, kicking out so violently my husband can no longer share a bed with me. On bad nights the twitching takes over my whole body and even my face twitches. It’s awful and I hate feeling out of control.

Recently it’s got so bad my legs are aching badly, it’s like I’ve spent the night running. Only managing about three hours of sleep a night on a long term basis isn’t helping my “recovery” and I knew something had to change, it’s just not sustainable.

I saw my GP this morning, she’s changing my meds because I can’t put up with the twitching any more. Which means over the next few weeks I’ve got to reduce my sertraline dose and then take nothing, then start on my new meds, citalopram.

I’m dreading starting the new meds, I felt so rough with the last lot and I don’t have the emotional or physical energy to deal with this right now. Honestly I’d rather just stop them all entirely rather than go through the rigmarole again. But I’ve got to do what’s best for my family and if that means putting up with it, then that I will do.

I know I’m in for a rough 4-6 weeks, I may become more depressed, more suicidal, the side effects from the new meds might make me ill again. I suspect it’ll be horrible, but hope it won’t be.

I had my first therapy session today. I know it’s going to really help me, it raked up a lot of things I’d buried, opened up old wounds and made me cry. It did make me want to harm myself again but I didn’t. Progress. My therapist seems excellent and has got the measure of me already. I’ve only got another four sessions, which seems too short for someone with so much going on.

I’ll get there. 37 years of hurt won’t fix itself overnight. I know that I hit rock bottom over the summer and I’m clawing my way back up. I also know it’s a journey I can’t make by myself and I’m incredibly thankful for the unwavering support of my husband and friends. Thanks guys x