Ah anxiety my old friend. You come, you go, I might not see you for a week or two, then suddenly you’re back, waving at me from afar, moving closer, your shadow looming over me and across my life. But why? Why won’t you leave me alone?

Tonight anxiety is casting her ugly shadow again and I don’t know why. I always figured if I knew why then I could make it stop, at least for now. So my brain runs through all the likely and unlikely reasons for my anxiety, so here goes. I might not get anywhere near 101 reasons why I’m anxious, but we’ll see…

1. Is my son ok?
2. Is he developing properly?
3. Has he settled into school ok?
4. Am I a good enough mum?
5. I’m lonely
6. I’m tired
7. I work too hard
8. I don’t work hard enough
9. I can’t pay a bill
10. Are things ok with my husband?
11. Is my house about to fall down?
12. Worry about friends
13. Worry about my health
14. Worry about my pain levels
15. Worry about dying and leaving my son alone
16. Worry about my family
17. Is my Dad ok?
18. I’m tired
19. Am I working hard enough?
20. I can’t afford my prescriptions
21. I’m lonely
22. I miss my friends
23. I want to go out for a drink
24. If I go out for a drink am I an alcoholic?
25. Is my work good enough?
26. I’m stupid
27. Why am I stupid? I used to be so sharp
28. Terrorism
29. The world
30. Dying children and heartbroken parents
31. Do I live in a bubble?
32. Do I care that I live in a bubble?
33. Do I think too much?
34. Do I think enough?
35. What can I do?
36. What can anyone do?
37. Are we all going to die?
38. Are we all going to die alone?
39. Am I going to die alone?
40. Yes.
41. I’m going to die
42. Will it hurt?
43. Everything hurts anyway
44. Everything hurts
45. I’m hungry
46. I’m hungry and there’s nothing to eat in the house
47. What can my son have for breakfast?
48. Rivita.
49. My son will hate me
50. He hates me anyway
51. He’s not the only one, lots of people hate me
52. I am worthless
53. I am ugly
54. I am useless
55. I have let my son down
56. I’m stuck here
57. I’m lonely
58. I’ve got no one to talk to
59. Why do I feel empty?
60. Am I dead inside?
61. How would I know if I were dead inside?
62. Why do I care about people who don’t care about me?
63. Will I always be anxious?
64. I’m feeling anxious because I don’t know why I’m anxious
65. Why am I anxious?
66. Remember that dark place? Lets not go back there
67. Please don’t get like that again
68. Oh god, the thought of it is terrifying
69. Panic attack!
70. Why can’t I breathe?
71. Gah. I wish I had someone to talk to about all this.
72. Hey did you know I have an anxiety disorder?
73. You want me to stop banging on about it?
74. Me too. Stuck record and all that
75. *texts friend* why won’t they reply?
76. *sends another text* WHY WON’T THEY REPLY?
77. They hate me. I don’t blame them
78. I’m worthless
79. I’m ugly
80. I’m useless
81. I’m always asking for help
82. They’re bored of me
83. I’m boring
84. I hate myself
85. Sorry I’m boring
86. *texts friend* sorry for pestering
87. Hates self for texting about pestering because it is actually pestering
88. I’m the worst person
89. Why am I the worst person?
90. I hate myself
91. Why can’t I breathe?
92. Why am I so anxious?
93. Why can’t I just calm the hell down?
94. Why doesn’t anyone love meeee?
95. What have I done wrong?
96. Why am I so hateful?
97. My life is basically an Alanis Morissette album
98. Oh god my life is an Alanis Morissette album
99. I’m so lonely. Isn’t it ironic. Don’t you think?
100. Agh I’ve got that as an earworm now?
101. So THAT’S why I’m anxious. Crap.

Nope. Still anxious!