Last Updated on July 8, 2014 by HodgePodgeDays
I have a friend, a toxic friend. A friend who messes with me, builds me up then knocks me right down. I build a wall, take a step back, they knock down the wall, offer the hand of friendship, a glimmer of kindness and then they turn on me again.
It’s like a game to them. I’m sure it’s not a conscious decision. If it is then it’s a particularly nasty thing to do. I am nice, too nice. I am too nice, patient, forgiving and too open for my own good.
When I met this new friend, I was equally delighted and appalled that they reminded me of an old chum who I was very fond of, but had done the exact same thing to me. I didn’t know at the time that history would repeat itself. But when you laugh like a drain with someone who seems like they might’ve been handcrafted to be your new best mate, you don’t think that all that is good will soon turn out to be all that upsets you.
I hate this, it all seems so playground. I’m 37 and so and so is picking on me Miss and making me feel pretty crappy about myself,
Why do I care? I have no idea. Why do I keep allowing toxic people in? I don’t know, really I have no idea. This time last year I was a mess. Toxic friend number one was busy messing with my head and now toxic friend number two is doing the same. I’m all confused. My head is buzzing with a combination of anger and frustration as well as a strange, almost desperate need to please and smooth things over.
I don’t know what to do. Wise friends keep saying cut them out of your life, but that’s hard, you hope that things will get on track and you can sit in a beer garden laughing your socks off with them again. But in reality that’s not going to happen.
So what do I do? Carry on with this destructive cycle or find a way to let go? I need to let go and not look back, because looking back gives them the chance to return. Toxic people have no place in my life, but somehow they always find a way in.
I know exactly what you mean – so difficult to let them go!
But let them go I must, if I don’t they’ll just carry on driving me round the bend!
Tricky tho! Good luck
i know its always easier to give advice than act on it but for me a friend should care about you and want the best for you. a person who makes u feel crap about yourself isnt a friend. know your worth and surround yourself with ppl who arent intimidated by how bloody wonderful you are x
Oh you’re such a love, thank you for your lovely words. I don’t think they mean to make me feel worthless, but they manage it. Every. Single. TIme. Thanks chick xxx
Let them go, I had a couple of friends that separately were ok but toxic when together. I couldn’t deal with the two sides. I distanced myself and it’s worked. I occasionally speak to them via social media but don’t let them in my life any more. It was a big step though.
Oh it’s *so* awkward when that happens, you did exactly the right thing. It really is a big step, especially if they were important to you.
I could have written this post myself, but cause the person knows about my blog, I didn’t. Let them go. A friend isn’t someone who makes you feel that way about yourself. A friend should be there for you, treat you with respect and make you feel good about yourself all of the time. If they don’t do that and you’ve given it a chance incase they’ve maybe had an off day then I’d get rid of them. I decided to cut this person out of my life about 8 months ago now and it was the best decision I made. I do miss having them in my life for the fun times we had, but the bad times completely outnumbered the good and I feel so much better without them being in my life. It’s a hard decision to make but you need to think of number 1.
Thank you, I think everyone has a toxic friend at some point. I’ve walked away from a few negative friendships before and never looked back. This one, this one just wont let me go, they’re like a dog with a bone. I keep walking away but they keep coming back and working their way back into my life. At some point I’m hoping it’ll sink in :/
It sounds to me like you need to. Let them go, true friends don’t ever make you feel bad. It might sound harsh but I think it’s true, you shouldn’t be made to feel unhappy by a friend. Be brave!
Thank you for your lovely comment, I need to grow a pair. I’ve tried telling them straight but they just won’t get the message. Some people eh 🙂
Hmmm what a tricky one. It’s good you recognise this trait and realise what they’re doing but like the other comments I think you should really let them go or at least keep your distance. Easier said than done I know but real friends shouldn’t be this draining. On the flip side think what advice would you give to someone if this was their other half? x
That’s a really insightful comment and piece of advice, thank you. It’s tricky, I can’t seem to let go and shake them off. I try, I ignore them, don’t chat to them for a few days and then they pop up like a puppy with an especially waggy tail thinking they’ve done nothing wrong and wanting things to be all normal again. I’ve even told them straight a couple of times and it’s like water off a ducks back. I’ll keep on trying to distance myself, eventually they’ll get the message x
I used to have friends like this at school but I’ve become really selective now, friends should be nice to you because you choose them and can unchoose them anytime you like 🙂
It really does feel incredibly playground. It’s stupid and I hate the way I feel about it all. It’s so passive aggressive it makes me mad! Thank you x
Its really hard to let go sometimes, especially when you have so much history with them and they do have some good points But ultimately if they keep letting you down and hurting you then something needs to change, if only to take that bit of unhappiness away. Maybe just busy yourself with other things and eventually you won’t always have the time to hang out with them anyway.
good luck cutting them loose x
The important thing is that you’ve recognised they’re toxic and you’re doing something about it. Life’s too short to divert attention away from kids and the genuine friends you have.
I have a post half drafted that is about this sort of thing – just get rid. Keep the people who make you feel happy and safe and you know have got your back.
you are definitely better off without them hun! understandably hard but will make you a better and stronger person xx
Hi, I’m visiting you from #weekendbloghop. I had an experience with a toxic friend for several years. I loved this girl, she was great fun and we got on so so well together. We talked every day and went out all the time. But, as you have experienced, she sometimes just turned on me. She would give me the cold shoulder for no reason, she would ignore my texts and I even found out she had bad mouthed me to mutual friends. After a while she would come back, being all lovely and MY friend again and pathetically I always jumped and went running back. In January I finally shut that door. She had contacted me once during my entire pregnancy and once when my son was born, the rest of the time giving me the cold shoulder. I decided I couldn’t cope with being me, being a wife and a mother and trying to maintain this freindship.
I am happy with my decision. She was a toxic person that made me feel bad about myself as often if not more often than she made me feel good. There are times that I see or hear something and my first thought is to text her because I know she would find it funny, but the lack of friendship drama in my life is a much better feeling.
Good luck x
I have a friend, that at my 18th birthday said nothing about my outfit except ‘that’s not silk’. I am now 29 and we are still friends. I think there is a fine line between toxic and someone not thinking before they speak.
If a friendship doesn’t work for you, end it! Friends are supposed to make you happy.
Thinking of you xxx
You have made me realise that I need to get rid of my toxic ‘friend’ didnt realise they were really until I read this. Thankyou !
LIfe is really too short. As you say, you are a nice person and you deserve better. Don’t invest too much time in this friendship if it makes you unhappy x x x