I have a friend, a toxic friend. A friend who messes with me, builds me up then knocks me right down. I build a wall, take a step back, they knock down the wall, offer the hand of friendship, a glimmer of kindness and then they turn on me again.
It’s like a game to them. I’m sure it’s not a conscious decision. If it is then it’s a particularly nasty thing to do. I am nice, too nice. I am too nice, patient, forgiving and too open for my own good.
When I met this new friend, I was equally delighted and appalled that they reminded me of an old chum who I was very fond of, but had done the exact same thing to me. I didn’t know at the time that history would repeat itself. But when you laugh like a drain with someone who seems like they might’ve been handcrafted to be your new best mate, you don’t think that all that is good will soon turn out to be all that upsets you.
I hate this, it all seems so playground. I’m 37 and so and so is picking on me Miss and making me feel pretty crappy about myself,
Why do I care? I have no idea. Why do I keep allowing toxic people in? I don’t know, really I have no idea. This time last year I was a mess. Toxic friend number one was busy messing with my head and now toxic friend number two is doing the same. I’m all confused. My head is buzzing with a combination of anger and frustration as well as a strange, almost desperate need to please and smooth things over.
I don’t know what to do. Wise friends keep saying cut them out of your life, but that’s hard, you hope that things will get on track and you can sit in a beer garden laughing your socks off with them again. But in reality that’s not going to happen.
So what do I do? Carry on with this destructive cycle or find a way to let go? I need to let go and not look back, because looking back gives them the chance to return. Toxic people have no place in my life, but somehow they always find a way in.