Last Updated on March 18, 2014 by HodgePodgeDays
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’ll know that I have some issues around mental health, most of which centre around my self esteem which took a tumble when I was about 3 years old and never quite recovered.
As and when issues occur, it’s not hard for me to trace their roots back to my self esteem or lack of it. I have a monumental deficit of self-worth and I can’t see that changing any time soon.
This week in the cray-cray mind of Miss Jane, I’ve been wrestling with the thorny topic of rejection. This is not new, I talked about my feelings about rejection in therapy last year, like most things discussed in therapy they take a little while for me to process, this has taken 3 months.
Everyone faces rejection; it’s a fact of life. But not everyone magnifies and twists it like I do, so it becomes something much bigger than it ought to be. Some examples…
I fancy a pint, I say to a friend “let’s go for a pint” my friend says they’re busy but maybe tomorrow. The little voice in my head suggests that my friend hates me because I’m a selfish cow. I’m ugly, unattractive, terrible company, I’m not really their friend, that I’m pathetic and don’t deserve to live.
I ask my husband for a cuddle, he says no because he’s tidying the kitchen. The little voice in my head suggests that he hates me because I’m a selfish cow. He’s bored of me and our marriage. He finds me physically repugnant and can’t bear to touch me. He’s ashamed of me, being with me was a mistake and I don’t deserve to live.
Just two examples there of just everyday brush offs which I mentally work up into massive issues in my head. I know that my husband loves me and is just cleaning the kitchen; I know my friend is busy elsewhere. When I’m sane and thinking straight then it’s all ok, but when self esteem is biting, I really struggle not to have dark thoughts.
When something bigger happens, a greater rejection or a betrayal, then my world crumbles. Then my dark thoughts become a self-harming, suicidal reality.
I almost certainly have Daddy issues (who doesn’t? Take a ticket and get to the back of the queue lady). My Dad is the most difficult man in the world to please. I will never, ever make him happy or proud of me, not overtly anyway, not so he’d ever be moved to tell me or show me.
When I was growing up he rejected me over and over, this and lots of other things destroyed my self esteem. So the little voice in my head that tells me I’m worth so little I don’t deserve to live also, tells me that my Daddy doesn’t love me, and I’ll never, ever be good enough for him or for anyone.
So each and every rejection, small or large just underlines the fact that I am unworthy, I am a terrible, unattractive, miserable, pathetic waste of an existence. Those all might well be true. They might well just be the nasty little voice in my head. I’m trying to find another voice who can defend me, who’ll tell me I’m ok and funny and a little bit cute. It’s a whisper right now, but maybe someday it’ll become a roar.
this is the most relatable thing ive read in ages. so honest and heartfelt. i know you wont believe me when i say you are an amazing person with a heart of gold but it is true x
Its hard to put into words how this made me feel. I really love reading your blog Jane. It is nice to get to know more about you. The more I read the more I want to read. I think you are an inspiration! Please continue!
p.s. give your boys a big squeeze from me! xxx
Very well written Jane.Really could empathise with this….
My father wasn’t great at praise…. for example “What do you mean, you only got 95% in your Maths test ? what happened to the other 5% ?” To be fair he hadn’t had great role models, a very cold critical mother and his father died when he was only 8…. but as I was the 7th of 8 children(good Irish Catholics) you could have hoped he had learned something by the time I came along ! My Da died years ago and I miss him, for the last year of his life he was ill… a small stroke that badly affected his behaviour and he was hyper manic and aggressive necessitating long term hospitalisation…he became very verbose about a lot of things , and it was during this time that we as a family realised exactly what his childhood had involved …the full extent of the brutality of the Christian brothers he was taught by, the abuse he suffered… I started o realise he was a flawed and fragile man , he wasn’t an alcoholic , but when he HAD a drink, he drank to get drunk… at time he could be very doting when drunk and full of praise, but others he was more critical… you never knew which to expect.
Too late we realised he could and would praise us to friends and siblings and other family, but not to our faces…
One good thing is that I am incredibly positive and full of praise for my daughter and nieces/nephews and other kids i am involved with….So I guess I have learned by his mistakes, and at least that’s something to be positive about.
I know what you mean, I used to be plagued by the self esteem demon. I really don’t have any great advice, as I was pulled from my depths by my wonderful husband. I really hope that the instances of you feeling low become less and less, until one day you realise they’ve gone away forever x
Oh sweetheart. I can so totally relate, although mine are more in the form of mummy issues, which came to a head when I had my son. I’ve found psychotherapy beneficial, hard, really bloody hard actually, but it helps. I can go back and understand why I had to develop coping strategies from such a young age, the damage of people’s actions, and give that little person I used to be a bit of much needed love and compassion. I just thought it might be worth mentioning xx
“I’m trying to find another voice who can defend me, who’ll tell me I’m ok and funny and a little bit cute. It’s a whisper right now, but maybe someday it’ll become a roar.”
You work on that thought lovely!
I don’t have father issues but I do have many others and if I’m learning anything from it, it’s this…
We have very little control over what other people do or say to us. We do have control over our own thoughts and actions.
People will hurt us and we can’t stop them from doing it but our thoughts are our own. How far you let them into your mind is up to you. We can choose to let it consume us or we can accept that it happened and that people are imperfect and use it to make us stronger.
I read the Viktor Frankl book about his time in a concentration camp.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor Frankl
I think this is such a profound statement and it’s true.
No matter what happens to us, we can choose how we deal with it.
Big hugs, lovely xXx
Wow, thank you for your comment. I need to search out that book, Victor is so right. I guess for me the last year has been all about finding a new, better way of approaching things, altering my attitude and being pro-active about my mental health. Thank you xx
Catastrophizing: to view or talk about an event or situation as worse than it actually is… yup! I’m familiar with this too. You’re on the right track however, learning to approach things differently. It’s hard work, and it’s a long process but it can be accomplished. Stay encouraged 🙂