Tag: Childbirth

Learning to live with and accept my scars

I am covered in scars. Sign of a life well lived or recklessly lived I don’t know. I only really regret one scar and I’m working on learning to live with and accept the rest. What is the story behind my scars and what do I really think of them?

I’ve got a number of scars on my wrist from when a glass panel fell out of a door when I was 6. I was lucky not to be cut to ribbons, but the scars are bad and I clearly remember seeing the white of the bone. For the record, bones are very white.

I have a cesarean section scar which is a reminder of my boy. I don’t regret that one bit. At the time, it was the only way for him to get out as he was stuck and we were both in trouble.

I have my back surgery scars. Twice this year I’ve been sliced and diced, so the scar is a very ugly one but hopefully will fade in time. A necessary scar because without it I’d likely be in agony and paralysed. I don’t regret that.

I have had many and various skin conditions so my legs are scarred. To figure out what was wrong I had a biopsy, so I’ve got that scar too which looks like a strange dimple in my calf, as well as marks from the skin conditions which are horrible.

My feet are in a shocking state. Years of secret self harming and picking at the scars have taken their toll. Look at the soles of my feet and you’d be shocked.

But the only scar that bothers me is the one on my hand. I cut it with the blade of some scissors, running the blade repeatedly over my flesh until it opened up. I wanted a visible reminder of my pain. Of that moment in my life which was both beautiful and terrifying. I cut it in June and the scar is still obvious and unlikely to ever really go away. I want it to fade because of what it represents but equally I want it to stay forever as a reminder.

Learning to live with My Scars
Self harm cigarette burn & the scissor scar

I look at my scars and I don’t think they’re ugly. I think they’re me. Others might think they’re ugly or disgusting or shocking but they are part of who I am. They are the map of my progress through life.

Read more ⇒ How I Minimised My Cigarette Burns
Read more ⇒ Healing, happiness and the beauty of my recovery

 

Learning to live with My Scars

The Mothers Project

In April this year I was lucky enough to take part in The Mothers Project.

The Mothers is a photo project documenting the stories and experiences of Mothers of all ages, with children of all ages. Complete with beautiful photography from Rebecca Lupton.

Rebecca asked me to answer a set of questions around my experiences of motherhood and then she came round to photograph us. Writing the blog itself was cathartic and it helped me to address and work through some of the issues around his birth as well as being something he can read in later life.

For me the real treat was having some beautiful photographs of us. I am usually the one behind the camera so rarely get a decent picture of us together.

In hindsight I wish I’d waited a bit longer, looking back at the pictures I can tell I was in pain. My first back surgery hadn’t worked and a few weeks after I was rushed in for more urgent surgery. I look tired and bloated (I’ve lost a lot of weight since) and I can tell I’m not happy and relaxed. But it does serve as a pictorial reminder of an awful time in our lives.

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If you get the chance or want to take part I can’t recommend it enough. It was a really terrific experience. You can read my story here. Do let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy it.