Just Ok

I don’t need your validation.

Recently I’ve been meeting a good number of my fabulous Twitter friends who have supported me over the past few months, I’ve got on famously with them all and had some really great times. But…

When you meet someone you admire and respect. Someone worldly and intelligent they can turn your head, make you think differently and view your place in the world from another perspective. That is usually a really good thing.

You admire them greatly, this wonderful charismatic friend who shares so much in common with you but broadens your horizons and helps to underpin some of your flagging self esteem. And then you meet them and they are as great as you think they’ll be.

But they know everything about me. I’ve poured my soul out to a select group of online friends over the past few months and they know my vulnerabilities and the chinks in my armour. They know how to wound, they know how fragile I can be.

I met up with a friend, a wonderfully supportive and open friend. They said I was ok. What the hell is that? Ok? I thought they were amazing and good company and said so. I’m just ok. Well I guess that’s me. Just ok. I’ve brooded on that for a few days. Just ok.

Tonight my husband shot me a look which said that I wasn’t just ok that I was his world. That’s all the validation I need. There is a caveat. That is all the validation I need when I’m calm and happy. But otherwise I’ll probably continue to brood on being just ok.


On The Ropes

That’s week one of my holiday done and dusted. Frankly I’m feeling much better already after the confusion, chaos and anxiety of the last few weeks. I’ve felt the need to blog a small update just because I’ve had so much love on twitter since I came out as an anxiety ridden worry-wart.

(I’m sorry if this looks terrible but I’m on some wifi in a pub and I don’t have my technology at hand to pretty it up. I will when I get home I promise.)
I’m on holiday in North Devon, the sun is shining and though I’m still tender of heart and quick to anger or tears I’m feeling so much better. My old and new twitter friends have rallied around me in a way which is unbearably touching and beautiful. Always checking on me and cheering me when I’m low and most importantly giving me a talking to when I need one.
I can’t change how I’m feeling overnight and this recent schism will take a while to heal, but I’m definitely feeling on the right road now. It’s not often I get fully in the grip of a PTSD/anxiety attack and I hope it won’t happen again ever, or in reality for a little while yet.
I’m feeling stronger and more positive and more like the me I was. I’m going to care less about the people who hurt me because if they really cared about me they wouldn’t.