Last Updated on November 20, 2015 by HodgePodgeDays
I’ve had a pretty crappy weekend and I’m going to have a moan. This is my blog, my tiny corner of the internet and I’m going to go all self indulgent for ten minutes, shake my fist at the sky and shout “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?”
On Friday my boy, my beautiful boy in his first ever school assembly stood up and spoke, a year ago he probably wouldn’t have even stood up, but he did and he spoke in front of the whole school. I was so proud of him, so incredibly proud of him that afterwards I rushed up to him, scooped him up in my arms and span him round in an enormous loving cuddle.
I did it without thinking about my stupid back. Within half an hour I had started to go numb below the waist and by evening I was in pain. In my impetuous moment of adoration and pride for the boy I forgot that I shouldn’t lift and I think I’ve squished a nerve. I’ve been flat on my back and off my face on painkillers ever since. I am gutted. I’m hoping that rest and time will reduce the symptoms.
I’m feeling very sorry for myself.
On Sunday I was checking my email, still flat on my back in bed when the wifi flickered off. I panicked slightly, as one does when faced with the horror of no wifi, then I discovered we had no electricity. Next door who are having huge amounts of (noisy, messy and disruptive) building work done had managed to damage the cable which supplies our mains electricity. I lay there and mentally counted all the things we wouldn’t be able to do until it was fixed, like wash, put the lights on, cook food, make a hot drink.
Stoically I lumbered out of bed, took as many painkillers as I could get away with and took the small boy out of the way of the repair team for a few hours. We were 14 hours without power. I was not best pleased, though the small boy had fish and chips for his tea, which made his day.
Exhausted, in pain and full of anxiety I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep and dosed myself up. I felt angry, really angry but I wasn’t sure why. Nothing ever seems simple, nothing ever seems straightforward. I stick a brave face on everything, the chronic pain, the exhaustion, the side effects of my medication, my (I’m told) imagined failings as a parent, money troubles, everything.
Everything seemed to overwhelm me. So today I took a step back in terms of wellness. Today I fell back into old coping strategies. I’m not proud of it, but it happened and I’m going to try and move on and find calm again. I’m sorry for the trouble I cause, and the worry. I’m sorry.
Don’t apologise. There’s no need. You’re you. We all do all sorts of things that we later regret and no amount of persuasion will stop us. These are the days we have to get through to reach happier ones. Don’t beat yourself up for having a down day after a crap weekend. That’ll just perpetuate it. You already know it may not have been the best move, don’t punish yourself by reliving it. Find your calm however you can. And if I can help with that, let me know.
Just know that you are loved, always.
Thank you Daisy, you’re always there for me and I massively appreciate it. Today is brighter, today is better and tomorrow could well be awesome, who knows? xx
Sending big hugs!! Sorry to hear things haven’t been very good over the weekend x
Thanks Kim, it’s always darkest before daybreak. I keep telling myself that x
I read blogs because I’m a little bit awed at the privilege of getting to know other people, how they think, how they get by. Much as I hate that you’re in pain and unhappy, I really appreciate you writing about it and to be honest it is this sort of post that keeps me reading you despite lots of sponsored stuff (that isn’t a criticism or a judgement! Just, I’m more interested in you than in stuff).
You’re going to be far more of an expert on this than me, but when I was unable to move due to a trapped nerve in my back recently, 2 separate physio friends suggested lying on my front, with pillows under my chest to arch my back, as being more effective than lying on my back. I also found it more amenable to reading, watching TV, typing etc. Might be worth a try? So horrible, so frustrating to be stuck because of a spontaneous and what sounds like a lovely moment.
Thanks Caz, I know I’ve not written many personal blogs recently, I guess in some ways I just feel like I’m going round in circles and people would start to think “here she goes again, can she stop banging on about being a mess”, what this weekend had taught me is that being forced to just STOP whilst being emotionally hard has made things much better for me physically. Despite my fresh injury, resting has done an awful lot of good in other ways.
And I’ll try that pillow/back arching thing too, thank you xx