anger Archives - HodgePodgeDays

Thank you for your pity today. It made me see through clearer eyes how much stronger I am now and how far I have come in the nine months since my Dad’s death.

To you my life may appear to be spiralling, spinning, shifting and twisting out of control, but it’s all part of the process of finding a new kind of normal in my life. This chaos you see swirling around me, that’s part of the beauty and richness of my life.

Where you see a flailing, angry person, I see a girl pulling at the threads at the edges of her life, grasping at the bits of grief and anger and happiness and joy and love and pulling them together, twisting them into a more pleasing shape.

A wise person once said that the night is always darkest before the dawn. Or that you’ve got to break some eggs to make an omelette. I’m breaking eggs, I’m making omelettes. I am switching the light on before the dawn. I’m finding my feet again. So don’t pity me, don’t judge me. I am doing just fine. Finer than fine. I am at my very finest when I’m under pressure. I’m kicking ass and taking names right now, shall I take yours?

Do not look at me with pity in your eyes as you watch and judge me as tears spring to mine, or when I struggle to swallow my rage down. I’m busy feeling. What I’m feeling is real and it’s valid. I am absolutely normal with everyone, maybe my smile has a hint of rictus about it, but I’m fine.

No one feels the wrath which bubbles inside me. No one but me suffers because of the impotent rage throbbing in my chest. I know I need to find a safe outlet for my anger, but thankfully you came along with your inane comments and judgemental glances and became the target I was looking for.

I’d rather feel all of this anger and all of this pain than live for one single minute like you, in your emotionally homogeneous vacuum you call life. I would rather feel and live. I’d rather enjoy life and feel the lowest of the lows and taste the sweetest and highest of the highs.

I am living, I am blossoming. I am loving the people I love with every fibre of my being and every part of my heart. And I miss one of the people who lived and still lives in my heart. I always will. But don’t pity me my anger and my grief, because they are all the evidence I need that I was loved and I am still loved.

I know that the pity in your eyes is just jealousy. What a gift I have to be able to see the beauty in my grief and to be able to see that my anger is a gift born from love. My anger is a beautiful, creative gift, and your pity is your curse.

I'm kicking ass and taking names, so don't pity me

I’ve had a pretty crappy weekend and I’m going to have a moan. This is my blog, my tiny corner of the internet and I’m going to go all self indulgent for ten minutes, shake my fist at the sky and shout “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?”

On Friday my boy, my beautiful boy in his first ever school assembly stood up and spoke, a year ago he probably wouldn’t have even stood up, but he did and he spoke in front of the whole school. I was so proud of him, so incredibly proud of him that afterwards I rushed up to him, scooped him up in my arms and span him round in an enormous loving cuddle.

I did it without thinking about my stupid back. Within half an hour I had started to go numb below the waist and by evening I was in pain. In my impetuous moment of adoration and pride for the boy I forgot that I shouldn’t lift and I think I’ve squished a nerve. I’ve been flat on my back and off my face on painkillers ever since. I am gutted. I’m hoping that rest and time will reduce the symptoms.

I’m feeling very sorry for myself.

On Sunday I was checking my email, still flat on my back in bed when the wifi flickered off. I panicked slightly, as one does when faced with the horror of no wifi, then I discovered we had no electricity. Next door who are having huge amounts of (noisy, messy and disruptive) building work done had managed to damage the cable which supplies our mains electricity. I lay there and mentally counted all the things we wouldn’t be able to do until it was fixed, like wash, put the lights on, cook food, make a hot drink.

Stoically I lumbered out of bed, took as many painkillers as I could get away with and took the small boy out of the way of the repair team for a few hours. We were 14 hours without power. I was not best pleased, though the small boy had fish and chips for his tea, which made his day.

Exhausted, in pain and full of anxiety I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep and dosed myself up. I felt angry, really angry but I wasn’t sure why. Nothing ever seems simple, nothing ever seems straightforward. I stick a brave face on everything, the chronic pain, the exhaustion, the side effects of my medication, my (I’m told) imagined failings as a parent, money troubles, everything.

Everything seemed to overwhelm me. So today I took a step back in terms of wellness. Today I fell back into old coping strategies. I’m not proud of it, but it happened and I’m going to try and move on and find calm again. I’m sorry for the trouble I cause, and the worry. I’m sorry.

Tag: anger

I’m kicking ass and taking names, so don’t pity me

Don’t let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life