Tag Archives: anger

I’m kicking ass and taking names, so don’t pity me

Thank you for your pity today. It made me see through clearer eyes how much stronger I am now and how far I have come in the nine months since my Dad’s death.

To you my life may appear to be spiralling, spinning, shifting and twisting out of control, but it’s all part of the process of finding a new kind of normal in my life. This chaos you see swirling around me, that’s part of the beauty and richness of my life.

Where you see a flailing, angry person, I see a girl pulling at the threads at the edges of her life, grasping at the bits of grief and anger and happiness and joy and love and pulling them together, twisting them into a more pleasing shape.

A wise person once said that the night is always darkest before the dawn. Or that you’ve got to break some eggs to make an omelette. I’m breaking eggs, I’m making omelettes. I am switching the light on before the dawn. I’m finding my feet again. So don’t pity me, don’t judge me. I am doing just fine. Finer than fine. I am at my very finest when I’m under pressure. I’m kicking ass and taking names right now, shall I take yours?

Do not look at me with pity in your eyes as you watch and judge me as tears spring to mine, or when I struggle to swallow my rage down. I’m busy feeling. What I’m feeling is real and it’s valid. I am absolutely normal with everyone, maybe my smile has a hint of rictus about it, but I’m fine.

No one feels the wrath which bubbles inside me. No one but me suffers because of the impotent rage throbbing in my chest. I know I need to find a safe outlet for my anger, but thankfully you came along with your inane comments and judgemental glances and became the target I was looking for.

I’d rather feel all of this anger and all of this pain than live for one single minute like you, in your emotionally homogeneous vacuum you call life. I would rather feel and live. I’d rather enjoy life and feel the lowest of the lows and taste the sweetest and highest of the highs.

I am living, I am blossoming. I am loving the people I love with every fibre of my being and every part of my heart. And I miss one of the people who lived and still lives in my heart. I always will. But don’t pity me my anger and my grief, because they are all the evidence I need that I was loved and I am still loved.

I know that the pity in your eyes is just jealousy. What a gift I have to be able to see the beauty in my grief and to be able to see that my anger is a gift born from love. My anger is a beautiful, creative gift, and your pity is your curse.

I'm kicking ass and taking names, so don't pity me

Anger Management

Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated with life that I can feel the rage bubbling up. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I never would, but I want to take myself into the garden and bayonet the hell out of a sack of straw, I think that’d make me feel a whole lot better.

I don’t know where this anger has come from, it’s weird because I’m normally really laid back and have such a live and let live attitude that most things just sort of wash over me. These days I get so angry. I hate made to feel worthless, I hate double standards, I’m usually at the wrong end of the double standard anyway somehow.

I hate being ignored and not listened to. I hate being used, picked up and put down when someone gets bored. The people who do this cannot possibly be my friends, but somehow they are, somehow I give them space in my life and permission to treat me like crap time after time.

I think of myself as reasonably articulate, but people twist my words and use them against me. People think they are superior to me in every way, but if they really were superior to me then they wouldn’t treat me that way.

And the rage, I can’t express it (with bayonets and such like) so I internalise it. It sits inside me and simmers and eats away at me. It feeds my anxiety which fuels my depression and everything, every single thing about this makes me feel terrible. I’m a terrible human being.

Sometimes I think I should go to anger management classes or something, but then maybe I think other people should go to basic manners and pleasant human interaction classes instead, and then that’s two problems solved. If people weren’t complete and utter (insert suitable swear word here), then I wouldn’t feel quite so angry, quite so often.