Sleep But Don’t Dream

Last Updated on February 19, 2014 by HodgePodgeDays

At some time in our lives most of us have a patch of sleepless nights. I’ve been struggling to sleep for a few years now. Medication and mental health (anxiety and depression) have a lot to do with it. It’s got better lately since I came off the antidepressants and reduced my pain meds but last night, last night agh!

It doesn’t take much at the moment to make my anxiety spring into action. I had a niggly “he said – she said” conversation with a friend just before bed. It unsettled me. I don’t like being gossiped about, I don’t like my words and actions being twisted and used against me. I caper about life wide-eyed and innocent, trying to do right by everyone. Someone misconstrued something and got upset. Which got me upset, which kicked my anxiety off.

I lay awake for a few hours, tossing and turning. I gave up and went downstairs, thought about stuff, tried to make sense of things but no sense could be made. I just started thinking about the failures in my life, the dark times and it just got worse, I was slipping into panic attack territory. It was now 4am and I was cold and miserable so I went back to bed. I tossed and turned some more until my husband could stand no more and got up. I promptly fell asleep.

I slept fitfully for 90 minutes or so, I knew I’d been flailing because the sheets were twisted all around me. I woke up with a start and looked at my hands, expecting to see them covered in blood. I’d had another of my nightmares. They terrify me because they’re so vivid. I rarely get them and when I do I know things are in a bad way.

In my nightmare I was wildly slashing at someone with a knife, stabbing and stabbing until there was nothing but blood. I looked at the face of the body in front of me, the body I’d attacked so ferociously. It was me.

16 thoughts on “Sleep But Don’t Dream

  1. Bloody hell that last sentence gave me a lil chill. Awful ‘recovering’ from a bad vivid dream…ive had some really unsettling ones. its horrible when stuff plays on your mind especially when u you r trying to sleep. You r a lovely person and anyone who wants to talk bad about you should take a long hard look at themselves. poweful post dude x

  2. Hope it’s all sorted with your friend. Sorry you were made to feel so anxious after the conversation, hate those conversations x #binkylinky

  3. After our twins were born I struggled to sleep. I bought sleeping pills which helped for a while, but made me feel worse in the long wrong. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for linking up #binkylinky

  4. Medicaiton for anxiety and depression can cause awful vivid dreams like you describe here πŸ™ I suffer insomnia frequently, absolutely no sleep for several nights in a row until you feel like you are sliding in and out of reality. Awful. Years of sleep deprivation with small babies, reflux and autism to blame – I’ve forgotten how to sleep πŸ™

  5. Bless you dear, anxiety is awful, I still suffer with it now and PTSD, I to had a sleepless night last night although when I nodded off this morning I dreamt about cloth nappies! Hope you get a better night sleep tonight, thanks for linking up #BinkyLinky

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