I was at the gym this morning and something really big happened to me. It’s a bit of a story, a story about love, so pull up a chair and hug your brew.
Monday is the day I usually do two dance classes and a tai chi class. I’d dragged myself to the gym in pain, half way through my first class my back spasmed and my right knee gave out. Being the determined little bunny I am, I cracked on with the class. I might not have jumped, twisted and shimmied like I’d normally do, but I was determined to finish.
After my second dance class there’s a 15 minute pause before tai chi. I usually grab a mat, lie on the floor and stretch my back out for a bit. I did just that and whilst I was full of frustration and anger about hurting myself, despite wanting to pick myself up and go home, something made me stay for the tai chi.
The class began and after about 20 moves my knee made a massive clicking noise and the pain went. My back wasn’t feeling too bad either. I concentrated on the flowing movements and my breath, knowing that this 45 minute class is my one chance this week to empty my mind and quiet the shouting of my inner anxiety voice.
When I’m doing tai chi all I can really do is concentrate on the movements and breathe. About 25 minutes into the class my head emptied and a voice, maybe my inner voice kept telling me I was getting stronger and better, not for anyone, or because of anyone, but because I deserved it. I was doing it just for me, and that made me cry. Fat silent tears ran down my cheeks for several minutes while I held myself in that moment.
Only a very small group of very close people know I’m having a lot of treatment at the moment and going through some things. There have been some incredible people who have been with me throughout. I listed these fine people in my head and I began to cry again.
These people, these good friends who message me and check I’m ok are amazing. Call me soft if you want, but it occurred to me that this is what real love and friendship really is.
I thought about my son, when he was born and I held him, looked into his eyes and fell deeply in love with him. I thought then that I knew what pure love was, I was right, my son taught me a lesson about how to love other people, what unconditional love felt like to give, but I’ve never really been sure that I have ever received that.
My good friends are the ones who cheer for me, lift me, hold my hand, listen to my woes and tell me to get out there and kick some ass. I realised that each of them love me and they love me unconditionally. There’s no expectation that their love and friendship comes at a price. I don’t need to be thinner for them, or fitter, or more well-read; or do the washing up straight after dinner or whatever. They love and care for me exactly as I am.
Sure, I know each one of them probably hopes and wishes that I will find a peace, live pain free, and that I get as fit as I’d like to be; but they don’t need that to be a part of our relationship. I am perfect as I am, to them at least. So I cried all the way home knowing and understanding that for the first time in my life I have recognised that I am loved, and what’s more, I am loved unconditionally.
Today has been a real day of days. I’ve acknowledged that all the hard work and pain I’m going through now is just for me and not to please or appease a single other soul, and I’ve realised that I am loved and cared for. These are huge things.
Knowing and understanding that I am loved is really grounding. These are solid foundations I can build on. Today really feels like a massive turning point in my journey back to wellness. I feel full of love and I’m ready to start building on that. Bring it on.