Last Updated on May 1, 2014 by HodgePodgeDays
Today by the Smashing Pumpkins is one of my favourite songs (YouTube it, go on) but the song is not about the greatest day ever, it’s about suicide.
I’ve had a run of good days, still with raging insomnia, but a few good, calm-ish days. I’d been feeling ok about myself and my life. Starting to think I was maybe getting on an even keel at last. I was very wrong.
I woke up this morning crazy agitated, really twitchy and in a panic. I don’t know why. A few days ago, even though I was in my happy place I felt an uncontrollable urge to walk out in front of a car. I didn’t obviously but the thought was there.
Last night I cut myself again, I’ve not done that for a good month. It felt good, it stopped the noise in my head telling me that I’m a hateful human being. That I’m ugly and worthless. It stopped, briefly. Then I just felt bad for being weak and cutting again.
This morning I’m thinking dark thoughts, shameful thoughts. Thoughts about harming myself. I’ve got enough pills to do it, to end it, to stop the pain, to stop the noise once and for all. I wont do it. I can’t do it. But I want to. I really want to. So I will cut and bleed instead. I will scratch at my hateful skin until it’s raw.
How long can this pain last? How long till I can be happy? How long can I be like this. How long? How long.
Had a string of bad days recently and got closer to self-harming than I would have liked. After reading your entry, the first thing I did (after listening to Today *LOVE Ted Nugent!*) was decide I needed to write a reply. Would I offer the standard “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it will get better” or go for the less cliched, “man, that sucks”. I’m going for secret option three which is to not give advice. It’s not my place. My place is to read your (excellently) written blog and relate to it. But I have to say one thing. You’re not weak. If you’ve made the decision to not end your life, that’s the hardest one to make. The fact that you feel like ending it all but refuse to is a testament to your strength of character. Please don’t forget that no matter how desperate things become.
Thank you for your genuinely lovely comment, really. I have today been referred to a crisis team so hopefully I’ll start to get the support I need. Please keep fighting the urge to self harm, tempting though it is and do keep listening to music that makes you happy. Some days that’s all that gets me through. Thank you 🙂