What are my Five Favourite Things?

Here are my Five Favourite Things so you can get to know a little bit more about me. I have decided not to include family or friends in this because that absolutely goes without saying. These are my five favourite things…

1. Music. I love music and listen to it all the time, it can equally bring my mood up and down. Key moments in my life are happily soundtracked on my iPod and just hearing a song again can trigger memories. I am a confirmed indie kid and my favourite bands are currently James, The Wonder Stuff, Rage Against the Machine, Smashing Pumpkins, The Stone Roses and The Charlatans.

2. Exercise. I’m a real endorphin junkie. My physiotherapist described me as someone who binge exercises. It’s true, I’ve already spoken in a previous post of my love for dance, Zumba, yoga, Pilates, running, walking and swimming. I can’t do nearly as much as I’d like, but I make a point of walking every day to the point where the lovely happy endorphins kick in.

3. Writing. I love writing, crafting and twisting words into sentences. I’m really loving blogging at the moment and I’ve started writing the odd piece for publication. It’s a lost love, as a teenager I was a very keen writer and had lots of things published, I studied journalism at university and worked briefly as a journalist before I lost confidence in my writing abilities. I love that I’m writing again and hope I don’t lose my mojo any time soon.

4. Devon. We are incredibly lucky that we have access to a family cottage in North Devon so we frequently nip down for a holiday. Whatever the weather it’s always stunning. The cottage is near a cove and at night you can hear the waves crashing against the rocks. It is so peaceful. We love the ready access to beaches, great pubs, even the garden is lovely. It has it’s own orchard and that’s great to explore. It’s the only place where we all can completely relax. No TV, no Internet, very patchy mobile phone signals. Almost completely cut off from the world and that means 100% family time.

What are my Five Favourite Things?

5. Twitter. I am a Twitter addict, I’d check it every minute if I could. Over the past year it has been my saviour, my best friend, my source of distraction and solace and it’s been my enemy. I love it for keeping my mind off the physical pain of my operations and recovery. Twitter can be wonderful but I sometimes forget that reality is different to Twitter and that trips me up. It is one of my favourite things, but it can have it’s dark side.

Those are my favourite things. Simple things really, but the best things often are.

Today (suicide & self harm)

Today by the Smashing Pumpkins is one of my favourite songs (YouTube it, go on) but the song is not about the greatest day ever, it’s about suicide.

I’ve had a run of good days, still with raging insomnia, but a few good, calm-ish days. I’d been feeling ok about myself and my life. Starting to think I was maybe getting on an even keel at last. I was very wrong.

I woke up this morning crazy agitated, really twitchy and in a panic. I don’t know why. A few days ago, even though I was in my happy place I felt an uncontrollable urge to walk out in front of a car. I didn’t obviously but the thought was there.

Last night I cut myself again, I’ve not done that for a good month. It felt good, it stopped the noise in my head telling me that I’m a hateful human being. That I’m ugly and worthless. It stopped, briefly. Then I just felt bad for being weak and cutting again.

This morning I’m thinking dark thoughts, shameful thoughts. Thoughts about harming myself. I’ve got enough pills to do it, to end it, to stop the pain, to stop the noise once and for all. I wont do it. I can’t do it. But I want to. I really want to. So I will cut and bleed instead. I will scratch at my hateful skin until it’s raw.

How long can this pain last? How long till I can be happy? How long can I be like this. How long? How long.