Last week hubs took delivery of a new iPhone 6. Almost immediately it slipped out of his hands, took part in a comedy juggling routine and ended up (thankfully) on an especially fluffy rug. He’s been a bit more careful since and straight away starting Googling iPhone 6 cases. A wise move indeed.
I found this funny flowchart online to help you choose the right phone case for your phone. I have the very sensible “wallet case” but this funny flowchart tells me that I should really have the “food case”, party because I do get very, very hangry! But which phone case are you?
This is an entirely fictional school newsletter, absolutely not based on any school I know or am associated with, it’s just some silliness I had in my head….
Dear Parent or Guardian,
It’s been another fine week at HodgePodgeDays County Primary, we have lots of news to share with you, so please do read to the end. Don’t just scan it, sigh, say “another non-uniform day”, tut and then put this in the bin.
After school clubs:
As this is the start of term we have some spaces available in the following after school clubs. See Mrs Meh to reserve a place for your gifted and talented child.
Friday 8th January
Friday 15th January
Friday 22nd January
Wednesday 27th January
Don’t forget that Monday the 18th January is dress as a Roman Centurion Day and Friday 29th is “Dress as a Squirrel Day” red or grey, entirely your choice. Remember if your child fails to dress up on these days they will be forced to wear their vest and pants instead.
Children may wear whatever they want on non-uniform days apart from football shirts (too common), Primarni (too common) or “Pony” trainers (they will be mocked by their peers). Please bring a bottle of wine and £5 as payment on non-uniform day for being allowed to wear their own clothes.
There are lots of exciting events being organised by the PTA this term, including a Masquerade Ball which costs £300 a ticket, be there or be square. During half term there will be an exclusive bring and share supper at Vanessa’s house, it’s very kind of Vanessa to host this exclusive event (by invitation only). On Saturday 16th January there will be a jumble sale for those too poor to contribute appropriately to the school budget. We know who you are, although we won’t ever speak to you in the playground.
NOBBY THE RABBIT:
We are looking for volunteers to take Nobby the rabbit home at weekends and school holiday. See Mrs Shambles in the school office if you’d like to join the rota.
The next school inset day will be on Monday 18th January. Teachers need this vital protected time to attend a special Bikram Yoga session and undertake specialist training in mindfulness doodling. Please arrange for Nanny to take the older siblings that day.
Plebby the recEption teddy:
The Reception class mascot “Plebby the Teddy” has been going on lots of exciting adventures recently, all of which are contributing to Plebby’s personal and social education and development. In no way is taking Plebby home an exercise in competitive parenting, but we have noted that Plebby has been having a few too many sessions of “eating biscuits whilst watching CBeebies” and not enough “stretch and grow ” sessions or trips to the Opera. Remember parents, Plebby also needs help with her Latin homework too!
In other news, preparations continue apace for “World I Saw The Film But Didn’t Read The Book Day“, which fictional character will your child pretend to be? Also don’t forget to cheer on Julian and Jemima at the annual county gymkhana this weekend, I’m sure they’d appreciate your support!
That’s all the news for this week parents and/or guardians, have a great weekend whilst the au pair is off.
Bank Holidays can be pretty predictable things. If yours is anything like ours, you’ll be expecting a round of lie-ins, roast dinners, grass cutting and DIY. I’ve decided to play an exciting game of Easter Bank Holiday Bingo to see just how formulaic my Easter Bank Holiday weekend was. Shall we all play along and see how we all do? How many can you get and who will shout “House!” first?
Expecting a lie in but waking up at 5am anyway.
Cutting the grass the same time as both of your neighbours.
Eating all of your Easter chocolate.
Feeling sick after eating too much Easter chocolate.
Swearing you’ll start a diet tomorrow.
If it’s sunny, spending the whole day painting a room and not seeing daylight.
If it’s raining, spending the whole day staring at the rain lashing against the window and looking sad.
A drive to the seaside involving 6 hours in the car and just half an hour on the beach.
Seeing pictures of all your child free friends on Facebook sat in a sunny beer garden.
Drinking 18 pints of tea instead of sitting in a beer garden.
Having a massive row about nothing.
Visiting a garden centre.
Washing the car.
Unexpected and unwanted guests dropping round at an inappropriate time.
Spending the whole weekend tidying the house and it looking not a bit different when you’ve finished.
Losing a whole day watching Man V Food repeats on TV.
Panic buying ALL the food in the supermarket the day before the Easter Bank Holiday.
Easter crafts all gone horribly wrong.
Eating a big fat roast dinner with all the family.
Feeling guilty about being relieved when you go back to work on the Tuesday.
I reckon we’ve managed most of them. How did you do? Was your Easter Bank Holiday as predictable as mine?
If you have a small child you may already be familiar with the exotic thrill of a plate of pesto pasta for a small child. One plate is rarely enough for my own small boy. In light of his excessive fusilli with pesto stirred through it obsession I did some extensive research and found these 8 entirely true facts about Pesto Pasta!
1. Pesto is more expensive than gold. Even “value” pesto is equal in price to solid silver. Probably.
2. If you’re under the age of ten, pasta with pesto has the same addictive qualities as crack cocaine.
3. Pesto pasta is equally delicious served hot or cold. Other serving suggestions include fresh from the kitchen floor and from down the side of the sofa cushion with extra fluff, all equally delicious.
4. Pasta with pesto makes an ideal breakfast, dinner, tea, supper or midnight snack.
5. It is physically impossible to eat too much pesto pasta. I know, I’ve seen it happen.
6. Pasta with pesto is the secret to world peace. Maybe. If it can keep a four year old happy and in quite a pleasant mood, just imagine its impact on the Middle East.
7. You can spend the day lovingly creating the most nutritionally balanced, organic, free range, delicious meal in the world. But pasta with pesto will always be better.
8. Pasta with pesto does not count towards your five a day. Dammit. Why is that? It’s green, it totally should!
This post is NOT sponsored by the pesto marketing board.
Fifteen ways you know you’re a parent… can you think of any more?
Your bed is inexplicably full of Cheerios.
You go to work with sudocrem on your trousers and when people point it out you say it’s bum cream, they recoil in horror and you have to point out it’s not your bum cream. This does not dispel the horror.
Hot drinks are something you enjoyed in the past, a time long, long ago.
You always have a biscuit and a used tissue in your pocket for emergencies.
You stop using expensive face cream and use baby lotion instead.
Boy toddlers leave puddles in the bathroom, so you’re always wearing at least one damp sock that smells a bit funny.
You don’t need an alarm clock anymore. At 6am someone always wanders in, throws a toy car at your head and demands a snack. Now.
You eat something involving pesto at least three times a week.
In the shower you sing “Wind the Bobbin Up” instead of the indie classics from your youth.
Getting everyone ready and leaving the house, having brushed your hair and ensuring everyone has shoes on in under an hour is an Olympian feat.
The remote control has been through the washing machine twice and you still can’t find it.
You spend 42% of your time winding toilet paper back onto the roll.
Your car is full of raisins and you think the hamster might be nesting in there somewhere.
Approximately 10 minutes after a successful bedtime you’re so exhausted you decide to turn in for the night. It’s 8.15pm.
Your idea of tidying up is kicking all the toys out of the way to form a narrow path across the room.