Category: Life

25 Things About Me

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I was rooting through some old stuff and I found this. I wrote it for something-or-other when I was 32. I’m 37 now and it’s funny to to to see how I’ve changed, or how little I’ve changed over those years. I did a 37 Things for my 37th Birthday post in September which was sort of along these lines. I think it makes for an interesting comparison.

1. I am 32 and still haven’t found a job I enjoy.
2. I like making jam and am quite good at it.
3. I actually do have the best husband in the world.
4. I can’t drive and I’d like to keep it that way.
5. I hardly ever drink but when I do can be quite terrifying.
6. My favourite place in the world is North Devon.
7. My favourite thing in the world is seeing my dog Sam run in big happy circles on Westward Ho! beach.
8. I like fascinating facts such as Westward Ho! is the only place in England to have an exclaimation mark as part of it’s name.
9. I’ve got a snow phobia but I’m getting over it.
10. My keyboard is missing the y key and is soon to lose the b I think.
11. Would like to find a job that didn’t make me puke every winter (God bless the NHS).
12. I hate mobile phones.
13. I have worn Pele’s shirt!
14. I am a published poet (and yes, I do know it).
15. I have a group of incredibly supportive and excellent friends (cheers guys).
16. I like growing fruit and veg.
17. My favourite film is Sense and Sensibility.
18. My favourite book is the Kite Runner (beautiful and sad).
19. I’d love to drink Elderflower Fizz with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
20. I love marking exam papers, though it does half kill me!
21. I don’t want to live in Manchester forever (though God did indeed create Manchester).
22. I want She Bangs the Drums by The Stone Roses playing at my funeral.
23. I used to teach journalism and loads of my old students now have careers in the media, it makes me proud.
24. My favourite band are The Smiths, genius.
25. I’d like to retire and look after my hubby and be a proper 50’s housewife.

Thanks for reading!

I’m a Mental Patient too Asda!

Mental patient costume

In response to Asda and their incredibly tasteless “Mental Patient” fancy dress costume there has been a massive tidal wave of supportive tweets and the hashtag #MentalPatient has started trending.

The hashtag is being used by people like me who have mental health issues. Here is my mental patient costume. Is it scary? Or is it a picture of a “normal” looking woman? Mental health wears many costumes and disguises. We’re not all deranged, unhinged maniacs on the rampage.

I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I am many things to many people. I’m also a mental patient. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD and an eating disorder. I self harm, I’m suicidal, I’m happy, I’m sad. I’m terrible, I’m amazing. I’m not a mad axe murderer. Please do not stigmatise me.

I’ve been thinking… what’s on my Bucket List?

I’ve never really thought much about making a bucket list of things to do before I die. I’ve always been focused on the present. Putting food on the table, making sure my family are okay, going to work, rushing around. There never seemed to be the time to get dreams together. I suppose it’s good to dream or to have a future focus beyond next week or next month.

Lot’s of people put together a bucket list. Usually places to visit and experiences they want to have before their time on this earth is up. I’ve always had a little list in my head, but never done anything to make them happen. Maybe I’ve always felt that time was on my side. It probably isn’t on my side, which probably means it’s time to sort myself out and start making things happen.

After much contemplation this is my bucket list…

  1. See my son grow up strong, happy and confident
  2. To see the Northern Lights
  3. To return to Gothenburg, Sweden and enjoy the city where we honeymooned
  4. Get a tattoo
  5. To see The Wonder Stuff live
  6. To get half decent at photography. I really enjoy it.
  7. Be a passenger in an Aston Martin DB9 going flat out round the Nurburgring
  8. Have a go at some wild swimming
  9. To go for (another) meal at River Cottage HQ. Yum.
  10. Spend at least a year living in North Devon

my bucket list

I don’t think my bucket list is too outrageous. I don’t think most of those things are impossible dreams. Maybe I’ll need to find slightly tamer versions of the things I want to do, or maybe my fairy godmother will come to my aid, wave her wand and make my dreams come true.

So that’s my bucket list. I wonder how many I’ll manage before I do eventually kick the bucket.

37 things about me for my 37th birthday

Today is my 37th birthday so I’ve decided to blog my 37 favourite things about my life as well as some nice, positive (for a change) things about me.37 things about me for my 37th birthday

37 things about me for my 37th birthday

  1.  I have found increased confidence in my late 30’s which is empowering.
  2.  I have a wonderful husband (of 13 years).
  3.  I have an amazing, funny and adorable son.
  4.  I have a great collection of brilliant and caring friends.
  5.  I am honest, often brutally so, but you’ll never hear me lie.
  6.  I have a small but supportive family.
  7.  I am actually a pretty good Mum.
  8.  We have a place in Devon where I find ultimate peace and serenity.
  9.  I love to lie on the rocks and listen to the waves crash against them for hours. I love and fear the power of the sea.
  10.  I love a good storm, rumbles of thunder, flashes of lightening, the feeling of ecstatic foreboding is beautiful.
  11.  I’m a good cook, can make delicious meals out of nothing and I enjoy creating in the kitchen.
  12.  I love social media. Twitter has got me through some dark, dark times these past 12 months.
  13.  I love blogging. I’ve always loved writing and having my blog helps me get my thoughts and feelings out of my head.
  14.  Although I hate myself most of the time, I am kinda cute (but never beautiful).
  15.  I love to dance and go about it with gay abandon.
  16.  Music is my life and first love, though my tastes are mainly stuck around 1995.
  17.  I’m reasonably bright and excellent at Trivial Pursuits.
  18.  I am entertaining company especially on nights out.
  19.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and care a great deal about people.
  20.  I am a good listener and happy to lend a shoulder to cry on.
  21.  I am reasonably good at photography.
  22.  I love walking. With my iPod on I can walk for miles lost in my thoughts.
  23.  I am strong.
  24.  I am able to endure considerable physical pain.
  25.  I love Pilates even though it hurts.
  26.  I developed a love of film at uni and especially love Quentin Tarantino films.
  27.  My favourite sport is ice hockey. It is awesome.
  28.  I love Scandinavia and everything Scandinavian.
  29.  My favourite flowers are sweet peas. Their scent lifts my spirits.
  30.  I have an excellent sense of humour and the dirtiest laugh in Manchester (fact).
  31.  I no longer care what people think about me which is empowering.
  32.  I love trying new things and exploring various boundaries in my life.
  33.  I am a chronic underachiever but I’m cool with that now.
  34.  I pretty much always root for the underdog or at the very least I can see things from their perspective.
  35.  I am able to endure and have endured. And have survived.
  36.  The thing I am most proud of is my son.
  37.  I don’t fear being 40.
Happy 37th Birthday to me!

What’s in my own personal Room 101?

I’ve been tagged by A to Z Mummy to write a post about what I’d put into Room 101. I’d love to know what you think of the things that make my blood boil.

1. Being late. This applies to me and others. I am incredibly punctual and can’t abide lateness from others. If we’re meeting at 10am it’s 10am and not five past. I always set off early to arrive in good time for things, but if traffic is bad or something happens which makes me run late, then I get into a panic. Punctuality is a big deal for me.

2. Public toilets. I think the origins of this come from the truly dreadful toilets at school, but to this day I hate public toilets. I hate the anticipation of a dirty, unflushed toilet; the inevitable lack of toilet paper and locks that don’t work. These days it is thankfully rare that you find a truly awful toilet, but they’re still out there, lurking, ready to tarnish a good night out or a trip to the shops. People, please do try and flush and not poo on the seat. It’s basic manners.

What's in my own personal Room 101?

3. Bad tippers. Now I am frugal, there isn’t much disposable income floating about these days, so I understand people’s reluctance to spend a fortune on a nice meal. However if the service has been genuinely good, the waiting staff excellent and affable, then it’s not too much to ask to slip someone on a basic wage 10% of the bill (minimum). I often dine out with people who think leaving a £2 tip for a £50 meal is acceptable. It isn’t. It really isn’t.

4. Broken Promises. This is a funny one for me. I hate people who promise things and don’t deliver. The boss who promised to nurture my career and didn’t. The friend who was painting me a picture and didn’t give it me. The husband who promised me Paris but gave me Penrith. I don’t expect the world, but in my book if you promise something then your word is gospel and you should deliver on it. I think my bugbear is unmet expectations. If you can’t or won’t deliver then don’t promise me things.

5. Dawdlers. I admit I can be impatient and at times intolerant, but one thing I cannot stand is dawdlers. People who stop in the middle of the street for no real reason, people who aimlessly saunter, people who stand in the middle of a supermarket aisle reading a tin of baked beans. Step to the side woman or let my trolley feel your ankles. I am rarely allowed to visit supermarkets because my rage towards ambling members of the public knows no bounds. I seldom go to a shopping centre for the same reasons. If you know yourself to be a dawdler, a sudden stopper, or a reader of food labels, fine, embrace your annoying life but please, please for the love of all that is holy, step to one side.

Am I entirely unreasonable? Do you agree or disagree with what I’ve chosen to put into my Room 101?

What are my Five Favourite Things?

Here are my Five Favourite Things so you can get to know a little bit more about me. I have decided not to include family or friends in this because that absolutely goes without saying. These are my five favourite things…

1. Music. I love music and listen to it all the time, it can equally bring my mood up and down. Key moments in my life are happily soundtracked on my iPod and just hearing a song again can trigger memories. I am a confirmed indie kid and my favourite bands are currently James, The Wonder Stuff, Rage Against the Machine, Smashing Pumpkins, The Stone Roses and The Charlatans.

2. Exercise. I’m a real endorphin junkie. My physiotherapist described me as someone who binge exercises. It’s true, I’ve already spoken in a previous post of my love for dance, Zumba, yoga, Pilates, running, walking and swimming. I can’t do nearly as much as I’d like, but I make a point of walking every day to the point where the lovely happy endorphins kick in.

3. Writing. I love writing, crafting and twisting words into sentences. I’m really loving blogging at the moment and I’ve started writing the odd piece for publication. It’s a lost love, as a teenager I was a very keen writer and had lots of things published, I studied journalism at university and worked briefly as a journalist before I lost confidence in my writing abilities. I love that I’m writing again and hope I don’t lose my mojo any time soon.

4. Devon. We are incredibly lucky that we have access to a family cottage in North Devon so we frequently nip down for a holiday. Whatever the weather it’s always stunning. The cottage is near a cove and at night you can hear the waves crashing against the rocks. It is so peaceful. We love the ready access to beaches, great pubs, even the garden is lovely. It has it’s own orchard and that’s great to explore. It’s the only place where we all can completely relax. No TV, no Internet, very patchy mobile phone signals. Almost completely cut off from the world and that means 100% family time.

What are my Five Favourite Things?

5. Twitter. I am a Twitter addict, I’d check it every minute if I could. Over the past year it has been my saviour, my best friend, my source of distraction and solace and it’s been my enemy. I love it for keeping my mind off the physical pain of my operations and recovery. Twitter can be wonderful but I sometimes forget that reality is different to Twitter and that trips me up. It is one of my favourite things, but it can have it’s dark side.

Those are my favourite things. Simple things really, but the best things often are.

No Regrets

I don’t regret my life. The choices I’ve made, the mistakes I’ve made. The people I have known. It bothers me that I care too much, and I feel pain when they feel pain or when they cause me pain.

I don’t regret because that what’s shaped me and made me the person I am today. Flawed, fragile but surprisingly strong. I wish things were different, had panned out in a more positive way but they don’t and never would. Someone always gets hurt.

I don’t regret because whatever I did I loved at that moment and I chose it. Life should be lived in the moment and not cautiously. To live cautiously is a half life. It is a pain free life but what is life without pain, or hurt, or upset? I cannot live a numb life.

I don’t regret because that is facing the past and not the future. What is in the future no one knows but I won’t regret it. How could I? I choose to walk a path boldly and without fear of what might be there, because I can deal with it.

I don’t regret the life I’ve lived. It has given me so much. So much to be grateful for in comparison to the things that pain me. The nature of pain is that it usually diminishes in time. It is a fleeting feeling.

Guilt and regret stay with you. I carry guilt heavily but I am working to free myself from a lifetime of pointless guilt, why feel guilty over imagined crimes and slights long forgotten?

So, no regrets. Never.

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Internal Dialogue

What to do? Should I listen to the destructive voice in my head? Just now I had a conversation with myself that went like this.

You’re hungry, eat.

No you’ve not eaten since yesterday and you ate a full meal.

You’re hungry, eat.

No, you’ve lost another pound since yesterday, keep it up.

But you’re really hungry, eat.

Maybe I could have a plum. No if I eat that it’ll make the hunger worse.

It’s just a plum. Eat it.

No.

But you’re going to do some exercise now, you need the energy.

No. I’ll drink some water instead.

Fair enough. You really are ill you know.

I know.

Goodnight Vienna

I don’t think I could do it. Kill myself. I don’t have the balls. It’d hurt for a start, probably quite a lot and I’ve got family to think about and care for. When I became a parent, I signed that invisible contract which says you’ll promise to forever protect your child from the darkness. Being ill is pretty dark but not as dark as being dead.

I’ve spent much of the afternoon reading suicide notes online and researching methods. There’s lots out there if you want to find it. Pictures of bodies who’ve died in different ways, none of them pretty. Some of them may have lived fast, died young but there’s rarely a good looking corpse. Faces lined with more pain than a lifetime of depression could ever offer.

I’ve got to stop thinking like this. I’ve got to stop lurking in the darkness and listening to destructive thoughts. I’m better than this. No really I am.

Today has been a good day, I’ve been busy, been for a walk with the boy, did colouring in, lots of cuddles. I’ve done some work, played with my blog. a good day. My boy is out with his Auntie and I’m alone which is why my thoughts have turned to darkness.

It’s easy to cut and harm, to bleed a little, to bruise, to scrape away at skin. It’s harder to still your heart permanently and I’m not going to. I’ve too much happiness ahead of me to go that far. I’ve got to believe that and I do. I really do.

I think.