Health Update: Weight Loss or Wheelchair

I’ve been putting off writing this blog post for a week now. You may remember a couple of weeks ago I had an MRI scan, well the results are in and it’s not the news I’d hoped for but it was the news I was expecting. My quite ruined back is absolutely ruined, my dodgy disc has now vanished, leaving bone rubbing on bone and I have multiple disc bulges.

I’ve been referred for pain management, physio and told to think very careful about my next surgical option which is getting my spine fused. In the meantime I need to lose some weight to take the pressure off and to help get me fit for surgery. It’s no exaggeration to say that I’ve spent much of the past week crying. I will not feel sorry for myself now, I have a project to focus on. Losing weight.

I’ve done it before. In 2013 I lost about a stone and a half, mainly through starving myself and walking miles, but starving myself isn’t a sensible option. Nor can I walk for miles, I just don’t have the time these days. So what am I going to do?

I’ve logged back in to ‘My Fitness Pal’ which is an app where you diarise your food and exercise each day. I’m aiming to eat around 1300 calories a day to begin with and its already starting to have a positive effect. I’ve lost a couple of pounds in just under a week. I’m feeling positive about that. I’m trying not to drink, or drink as much. I went to the pub with a friend and drank diet coke and survived. It’s doable.

We’re going away for half term and I’m not going to deny myself nice food and drink, but it will be in moderation, I’d just like to get a bit of a head start on losing weight before I go.

As for exercise, well I am quite limited in what I can do. I spent Monday morning helping out at school and both of my legs have been numb ever since, I know resting will help the feeling come back, it’s just stuff from inside my discs pressing on some nerves. It’s weird, it’s worrying but it’s kind of normal for me.

I can walk, so when I can I will. I can swim, so I know I must make an effort to get down to the local pool during their ridiculously restrictive swimming times. And I’ve just bought myself a Fitbit which should help me get an idea about my current level of (in)activity and hopefully help motivate me to improve.

I think long term it’s going to be about making small changes, keeping moving, drinking less, making better choices about what I eat. It’s a long journey, a lifetime journey but if I want to stay out of a wheelchair and on my feet then it needs to be done. Wish me luck.

What’s it like to have an MRI Scan?

I had an MRI scan this week. It was my third time in an MRI scanner and if I’m honest, it’s not the most fun thing in the world. As part of what is turning into an occasional series of ‘medical things which have happened to me, explained in non medical speak’ here is my MRI Scan story.

Most people will be sent for an MRI scan by their GP or hospital consultant. My first scan was a private one which I paid for myself because no one would believe that I was in as much pain as I was, as a result I was rushed in for urgent surgery to prevent paralysis, but that’s a fun story for another day.

If you’re having a scan on a small area, like an ankle or elbow, your scan shouldn’t take long, maybe 15 minutes tops. I’ve previously had two scans of my lumbar spine which took around 20 minutes each. This week I had my lumbar, thoracic and sacral bits of spine scanned, it’s a large area to cover, so I was in the scanner for nearly an hour, although scans can go on for as long as 90 minutes if you’re getting everything scanned. Around 15 minutes is the average though.

My advice would be eat and drink normally before your MRI scan, maybe tone down the amount of liquid you consume, you don’t want to be dying for the loo while you’re in there. My other piece of advice would be take off all unnecessary jewellery before you leave the house. I removed earrings, nose stud, necklace, bracelet, wedding ring and my watch, not only does this save time, but it stops you worrying about them being pinched. You can’t wear anything metal while you’re in the scanner. This includes your bra, but you can take that off in the changing room.

You’ll be allowed to keep your normal clothes on. As jeans are out (metal studs, rivets and zip or buttons) leggings or jogging bottoms are a good and comfortable option. The temperature in the scanner can be all over the place, my head and feet were freezing, but my body found it almost intolerably hot, so dress lightly but with good thick socks.

You’ll be asked to complete a short safety questionnaire and they’ll double check that you don’t have any medical conditions or metal in your body before you start.

They will then take you into the scanner. You lie down on a table, they can provide a pillow for your knees if like me you’d find that more comfortable. They gave me a panic button to be used if I got into any difficulties and they put some headphones on me. This was to protect my ears from some of the banging, and for the first 15 minutes I was played some awful local radio station. I actually preferred the horrible banging.

The scanner is a fairly tight metal tube and you are encased in it. The table will slide up or down every few minutes so they can scan a different section. It is tight and claustrophobic, but you can cope with it. I promise.

When the radiologist leaves you and you feel the table start to slide into the tube, it is best to close your eyes and not open them until you are out of the scanner at the very end. This stops you seeing just how claustrophobic it is, so you shouldn’t panic as much. It is tight and you have to remain perfectly still throughout the scan.

There is a camera above you, so the radiologist can see your face throughout and you have the panic button. They can talk to you through the headphones if they need to and usually they let you know when it’s over too.

While you’re in there it’s best to try and distract yourself, your nose will itch and you can’t scratch it, if you’re familiar with meditation now is a really great time to practice. Lie still, breathe calmly, eyes closed, thinking happy thoughts. What might interrupt this will be the banging. This is very loud and alternates between quite pleasantly rhythmic to “borrower trapped in an alarm box”, it can be a bit frightening but it is perfectly normal.

Do distract yourself with happy or amusing thoughts. I planned some holiday activities, thought about some boots I’m going to buy and during desperate moments imagined a large glass of red wine gradually filling as each minute passed. It helped. One thought which kept coming back was “how bonkers is this? I’m stuffed in a metal tube, I can’t move and I’m listening to an inept steel band warming up”. That helped too.

My MRI scan went on for much longer than I’d anticipated, so I was very near the end of my tether when I got out. I did survive it, and although I don’t know the results of my scan just yet, I know that having a scan has saved me in the past, it’s not something I look forward to but if you plan a mental strategy for dealing with it you will be ok. Close your eyes, think happy thoughts, buy new boots, find out what is wrong with you so they can fix you.

If you’re going for an MRI scan, read the information sheets they give you carefully, take out that piercing you got on holiday in Thailand, lie back and think of England and for gods sake keep your eyes closed. It’ll be over before you know it and it will make a real difference to your treatment. Good luck, you’ll be fine.

MRI Scan

Family First Aid

Following a recent playground accident involving a heavy chain and my son’s head, I decided it was high time we got a proper first aid kit in the house. So I ordered a kit from Premier Healthcare & Hygiene Ltd; it’s a handy kids first aid kit which is small enough to carry in your bag or keep in the car, or in your bathroom cupboard. It’s got some of the essentials we’ll need to tend to the bumps and bashes that small people get, neatly packaged and would be great for camping trips and days out.

First aid kit

I was lucky enough to interview first aid expert Jason Conn who gave me some idea of how to deal with some common paediatric first aid issues.

Is there anything that can be done to reduce bruising to knees etc when kids fall over?
The first priority is to reduce the bruising and swelling. Apply a cold compress as soon as possible and if possible elevate and rest the affected area.

After the bruise has developed (which may take a day or so) a heat compress will stimulate blood flow to the area and speed the healing process.

The ideal product to use in these situations is a reusable hot/cold pack. The pack can be kept in the freezer or warmed in the microwave to suit the specific situation.

What’s the best way to clean grit and dirt out of a graze?
It would of course depend on the nature and type of wound. Small cuts and scrapes should be cleaned thoroughly using an alcohol free wipe and covered with a plaster to keep the wound clean.

Larger wounds should be judged on a case by case basis. Always seek professional medical attention if unsure.

How should you treat minor head bumps?
As long as the injury is minor and superficial the same processes as above apply. Cold compress, clean and cover wound if required. You can take medication to relieve symptoms but please take professional advice first.

If symptoms persist or get worse it’s essential to seek immediate medical attention

What’s the best thing to do with a nosebleed?
Nosebleeds are common in small children but most can be treated at home. Pinch the nose just above the nostrils and tilt the head slightly forward. Applying an icepack or cold pack to the nose will constrict the blood vessels and help stop the bleeding. Most nosebleeds will stop after 10 minutes or so. If you are having frequent or heavy nosebleeds it’s best to seek medical advice.

What are the essential first aid items every family should have?
It’s important to have a well-stocked first aid kit in your home, so you can deal with minor accidents and injuries. Your first aid kit should be locked and kept in a cool, dry place, out of reach of children. Many people also keep a small first aid kit in their car for emergencies.

Your basic first aid kit may contain:

plasters, in a variety of different sizes and shapes
small, medium and large sterile gauze dressings
at least two sterile eye dressings
triangular bandages
crêpe rolled bandages
safety pins
disposable sterile gloves
tweezers
scissors
alcohol-free cleansing wipes
sticky tape
thermometer, preferably digital
skin rash cream, such as hydrocortisone or calendula
cream or spray to relieve insect bites and stings
antiseptic cream
painkillers such as paracetamol (or infant paracetamol for children), aspirin (not to be given to children under 16), or ibuprofen
cough medicine
antihistamine tablets
distilled water, for cleaning wounds
eye wash and eye bath

It may also be useful to keep a basic first aid manual or instruction booklet with your first aid kit. Medicines should be checked regularly to make sure they are within their use-by dates.

Thank you to Jason Conn for giving his time to answer my questions. I think it’s so important to have some kit on hand to deal with everyday issues, but if in doubt always consult a pharmacist or a Doctor.

Note: I was sent the kids first aid kit free of charge for review purposes.

2013 – The Year I Survived

I don’t know where to start with this one. It’s been a massive year, full of change. It’s been scary and awful and wonderful. I’ve been on Twitter today and people have been reflecting back over the last 12 months and most people are saying it’s been a tough year, or a weird year, certainly a year of change for most.

Last New Years Eve where was I? I’d seriously damaged my back and could barely walk. I was so off my face on painkillers I’d struggle to tell you my name and I was waiting for a call to go in for urgent surgery to try and fix it. My husband was worried sick and we’d just coasted through the most bizarre Christmas ever. To this day I have no recollection of my son getting up on Christmas morning and opening his presents. It chokes me up to think about that now.

Apart from being in unendurable agony, it was my sons third Christmas, he still wasn’t old enough to appreciate what was going on, but who doesn’t love a pile of presents under the tree?

I was employed by the NHS as a Project Manager, something I loved doing, I was in secondment from a job I really didn’t love doing and was trying to hatch an escape plan. Around Christmas time when I was laid up, it came to me that as I was already running the Twitter accounts for some friends businesses and I might be able to make a go of that. More of which later.

January came and went, still immobile on the sofa, still as drugged up as a human can be without actually being in a coma. On 1st February I went and had my first operation. It was to a degree a success. The searing pain had gone and I was able to move around more freely, but I was still in considerable pain.

The months rolled by, I was still a zombie, eating handfuls of strong painkillers several times a day just to be able to exist. I wasn’t a wife, I wasn’t a mother. I was a thing on the sofa that cried, cried out in pain, cried in sorrow, cried in grief for not being the mother I should’ve been. For months on end I couldn’t cuddle him or do anything for him, the day I made him a piece of toast, the first piece of toast in five months was a monumental one. I hope he has no memory at all of this year.

The pain continued until mid-April when I stood up and felt something go in my back. I knew instantly I’d really, badly messed myself up again. Five days later I was lying prone in an MRI scanner knowing what would happen next. I was not chuffed to put it lightly. The following week I had my second urgent surgery of the year. Just to explain, a disc in my back had cracked open on both occasions spilling its contents so they were pressing on my spinal cord (huge risk of permanent paralysis and/or double incontinence) and my nerve root (unendurable pain and lasting pain). Thankfully my second surgery was successful but I was so weak I couldn’t sit for more than 20 minutes without everything hurting, my core muscles had all but gone and I was unable to walk even to the end of my road. I was fixed but I’d never felt more broken.

Luckily I was referred to a wonderful physio who instantly got me. He worked with me for months giving me tasks and homework to complete, telling me off for pushing myself too far and too hard. After three months of hard work I was able to touch my toes again and I was going on three mile walks. I was stronger and feeling good about myself. I now swim twice a week and go to Pilates as well as trying to keep up with the walking (weather permitting). I will never be able to thank my amazing physio enough.

However during this time my mental health deteriorated. I’d been stuck in the house unable to move with virtually no company or visitors. During that time friends on Twitter had kept me sane, but once the physical pain had levelled out I realised I was in trouble. I acted out, I drank a lot, I was having full blown anxiety attacks, my self esteem was through the floor. I hated being in the house, I couldn’t wait to go out. The walls of my house had kept me in like a prisoner for months, and I never wanted to see them or be confined by them again.

So I had a summer of madness. Self harming, suicidal thoughts, drinking, partying. I had a lot of fun, I met some great people. I met some horrors too, but I had a mad summer, there were incredible highs and the lowest of the lows. God knows how or even why my husband stuck with me. It must’ve been like being married to an overactive 16 year old. But I was moving through the depression and anxiety and trying to find a path forward which suited me.

I was assessed by various professionals and put on stupidly long waiting lists for therapy. I have no idea when or even if I’ll see someone, but through my old work I was referred for therapy. I was allowed six sessions which was perfect. It kick started a process of healing inside me. I’m no longer on my meds, I’m standing up by myself for once. I know I’ll need more therapy but it’s a start.

As far as being a parent, I love it, my boy is the business. He’s so funny and loving. I wish I could do more with him. I can take him to the park now, but I can’t run and chase him, I can’t pick him up and swing him around. If he falls I can’t pick him up for a cuddle. For a start he’s a big lad and it’s not worth risking taking all those steps back. I never want to go back to being a sofa slug again.

2013 for all it’s dark, difficult days did force me to make a much needed change. I’ve set up my own business. I tweet and Facebook for businesses and charities now. I love the copywriting aspect of what I do, I produce email newsletters and I have my blog. No two days are the same. I love the variety, I love everyone I’ve worked with and all the friends I’ve made. Yes it’s really, really early days and if I’m being honest, I could do with a bit more work (hint) but I’m happy and I get really good feedback from my clients.

I couldn’t have got through this year without my husband, he’s been amazing. He’s had to look after us all while I was physically incapable and then he’s put up with me while I was spiralling out of control. The man is a legend and I’ve never loved and appreciated him more.

Having a year like the one I’ve just endured makes you really realise who your friends are. Some stepped up, some didn’t. I made a whole raft of amazing, funny, brilliant new friends and I met some horrors, well one horror and a few weirdos. But I’m ending the year with more friends than I’ve ever had and better friends than I’ve ever known.

Looking back to last New Year, when I toasted the coming year with some diazepam and codeine, I am a completely different person. I’m stronger for my struggles, I know where I stand with people, I’m happy, I have a future, I have a life, my life, and I have my boys and if they love me half as much as I love them then I’m a lucky woman.

Happy New Year. Hope 2014 treats you well xx

Review: QV Skincare for Eczema & Psoriasis

I have psoriasis on my feet. It’s horrible and can flare up to the point where I can barely walk and the soles of my feet bleed. I’ve been prescribed some ointments from my GP; a standard emollient and Betnovate which is used to treat inflammatory skin conditions. They work to some extent but it never really goes away.

Psoriasis is the rapid acceleration of skin cell production. Skin cells are normally made and replaced every three to four months, but with psoriasis this process only lasts about three to seven days. The resulting build-up of skin cells is what creates the patches associated with psoriasis.

Frankly, my feet have been so bad recently, if it worked I’d happily rub dog poo on them (rest assured, I won’t). So when QV Skincare asked me to try something new, I jumped at the chance. I gauged my skin on their website as being level 4 which was the very worst imaginable and they sent me a range of samples to try.

Review: QV Skincare for Eczema & Psoriasis

The QV skincare range is from Australia, an Australian friend spotted them in my house and was pleased they’d made the journey over, QV is a well recognised and trusted brand in Australia. I do rate Australian Skincare products too so knowing this I was excited to try them.

Unlike a lot of skincare products which tend to be petroleum jelly based, QV Skincare use Glycerol. Glycerol isn’t greasy and won’t block pores, and leaves skin feeling smooth and soft. This is important; we’ll come back to this point later.

I tried the following QV Skincare products:

QV Gentle Wash This is a mild, foaming cleanser which you could use as a hand soap or facial wash. As I have dry skin on my body. I used it like I would a shower gel and I have to say I was impressed. It was developed for sensitive skins and there are few as sensitive as me. I noticed a visible difference to the dryness on my skin within a few days and some of my bad rashy patches had massively improved. I will be buying this again.

QV Bath Oil I hardly ever have a bath because it dries the skin out on my feet and usually within minutes of getting in. my psoriasis is insanely itchy and I scratch all my skin off. Not so with this. I ran myself a lovely bath, put the recommended amount in and had a good soak. There was no in bath itching and when I got out my skin felt soft and lovely and my feet weren’t horribly dry and hating me. I have in the past used oilatum but this seems much, much better, maybe it’s the glycerol base. This is another product I’d have as a skincare staple.

QV Skin Lotion When I opened this I thought it was like a baby lotion for sensitive skin. I actually loved this and it would be perfect for babies and children with dry skin. I used it on all my dry bits but not my feet. My dry, rashy bits showed quite incredible improvement after just a few days. My skin felt happier and just looked less angry. I think this will be a staple skincare product for me. You can also use it to remove make-up which is a real boon for sensitive types.

QV Cream When I opened this it reminded me of E45 cream, I have to say this was my least favourite product by a long way. I think it’s great for dry skin and eczema but I made the mistake of putting it on my feet and within minutes I was scratching the skin off. I did use it on my legs and it worked perfectly well on them, I think maybe it just wasn’t right for my condition. Everyone’s skin is different so what works for one won’t necessarily work for another. I was sad that I’d loved everything else but not this.

QV Intensive Ointment This is probably my very favourite product in the range. When I opened it I thought it’d be just like the emollient I get on prescription. Not so, again my standard emollient is petroleum based and this being glycerol based seemed lighter and better suited to treat my psoriasis. Within 24 hours I noticed a change on my feet. By the end of the week they were looking fantastic. Honestly the best they’ve been in years. I was delighted and will be sticking to this product in future and foregoing my prescription emollient.

Review: QV Skincare for Eczema & Psoriasis

I was delighted with this range, like I said earlier the glycerol really does seem to make the difference, certainly with my skin.

The QV skincare range is suitable for all ages but is great for kids; they have a character called Qool Vince who explains all about eczema and itchy skin. I suffered (really suffered) as a child with my skin and explaining things to children in a really accessible way can only be a good thing.

Few things are more miserable than itchy, cracked, dry, bleeding skin. I think it’s excellent that more products are being developed to treat and ease the symptoms. Once you find something that works for you you’ve got to stick with it. I’ll be sticking with QV Skincare.

For more information about QV Skincare, visit their website.

Note: I was sent these QV Skincare products for review purposes. All images and opinions are my own.

No Regrets

I don’t regret my life. The choices I’ve made, the mistakes I’ve made. The people I have known. It bothers me that I care too much, and I feel pain when they feel pain or when they cause me pain.

I don’t regret because that what’s shaped me and made me the person I am today. Flawed, fragile but surprisingly strong. I wish things were different, had panned out in a more positive way but they don’t and never would. Someone always gets hurt.

I don’t regret because whatever I did I loved at that moment and I chose it. Life should be lived in the moment and not cautiously. To live cautiously is a half life. It is a pain free life but what is life without pain, or hurt, or upset? I cannot live a numb life.

I don’t regret because that is facing the past and not the future. What is in the future no one knows but I won’t regret it. How could I? I choose to walk a path boldly and without fear of what might be there, because I can deal with it.

I don’t regret the life I’ve lived. It has given me so much. So much to be grateful for in comparison to the things that pain me. The nature of pain is that it usually diminishes in time. It is a fleeting feeling.

Guilt and regret stay with you. I carry guilt heavily but I am working to free myself from a lifetime of pointless guilt, why feel guilty over imagined crimes and slights long forgotten?

So, no regrets. Never.

Goodnight Vienna

I don’t think I could do it. Kill myself. I don’t have the balls. It’d hurt for a start, probably quite a lot and I’ve got family to think about and care for. When I became a parent, I signed that invisible contract which says you’ll promise to forever protect your child from the darkness. Being ill is pretty dark but not as dark as being dead.

I’ve spent much of the afternoon reading suicide notes online and researching methods. There’s lots out there if you want to find it. Pictures of bodies who’ve died in different ways, none of them pretty. Some of them may have lived fast, died young but there’s rarely a good looking corpse. Faces lined with more pain than a lifetime of depression could ever offer.

I’ve got to stop thinking like this. I’ve got to stop lurking in the darkness and listening to destructive thoughts. I’m better than this. No really I am.

Today has been a good day, I’ve been busy, been for a walk with the boy, did colouring in, lots of cuddles. I’ve done some work, played with my blog. a good day. My boy is out with his Auntie and I’m alone which is why my thoughts have turned to darkness.

It’s easy to cut and harm, to bleed a little, to bruise, to scrape away at skin. It’s harder to still your heart permanently and I’m not going to. I’ve too much happiness ahead of me to go that far. I’ve got to believe that and I do. I really do.

I think.